Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Report on Putin's Horrific Chicken Massacre

Vladimir Putin released a female tiger into the wild and this was commendable and surprising coming from a bloodthirsty dictator who often shoots fireballs out of his ass and that's just to amuse the children.

Kuzya is the tiger and Russian scientists use a tracking device to see where she goes.  She's a tiger so of course she is beautiful and this effort to bring them back is a beautiful thing.

Until ...

What the Russians did not announce is that Kuzya is a 'weaponized tiger' as she has been trained and, in effect, programmed by their scientists.  Kuzya became the Jason Bourne of tigers and, when she was ready, they released her for her mission in yet another documented example of Russian aggression.


It wasn't long before Kuzya crossed the border into China and presumably she got across because that's where Dallas sent its Immigration staff after the Ebola guy got through.

She continued on her mission and thus far in what Chinese are calling a massacre, Kuzya has killed five Chinese chickens.  She is the Russian ISIS of tigers, Kuzya the Chicken-Killing Terrorist.

The Chinese ambassador shouted angrily, "you take fucking tiger or we eat it."

Putin replied calmly, "Chinese are predators.  Kuzya is predator.  She will eat Chinese.  She will eat you."

Then he slammed his shoe down on the table to emphasize his table would not be cool for eating anything.

Screaming now, the Chinese ambassador told Putin, "ok.  that settle it.  no more iphone you get, arrhole."

Putin again did not react and instead pulled his mobile phone from his pocket and then chucked it out the window.  Then he said, "You know trouble with iPhone 6?  Trouble is iPhone 6 works.  Now it not work."

Putin then said quietly to an aide, "If they like Kuzya then they love the Siberian Grizzly bears even more."

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