Thursday, May 3, 2018

Villain Insurance

Harley: Hey Seraphin!!

Seraphin: yes Harley?

Harley: I’ve just haf a thought about superheroes and villians

Seraphin: this better not have any spoilers from any new movies Harley!!

Harley: it doesn’t! I swears on all my favorite animals.

Seraphin: ok, well in that case the spoiler free floor is yours

Harley: thanks!!

Aight lords and ladies so here’s the thing!

What if heroes and villains were real, not like The unbelievable cheeto real but like proper villains like lex luthor, the Joker, and such. Now think about this. Anyone who has ever Actually read what their home insurance covers knows that it doesnt cover things like war or nuclear incidents and the most emphasised flood or earthquake. Now with those last two at least you can buy specialty insurance from specialty companies to cover flood and earthquake because these are things that could happen but your average insurer doesnt cover. Now i know this seems off track but here me out aight

So what if in the comic earth there are specialty insurance companies that sell villian insurance. And “no, no no no, we dont insure heroes specifically but if a hero damages your property whilst fighting a currently covered villian than that is included.” Thats gona be a line you hear alot from your local villian insurance agent. They dont cover heroes directly, only as an incident in regards to villians on your policy.

Now here’s where they get you. Not all villians are covered all the time. The way it works is you get to first choose a package. Do you want the Double Daring? That gives you two villians of your choice and all choices are locked in for the next week minimum and no you cant make a change in the middle of an attack, we heavily enforce binding restrictions in areas once an attack has begun. We also have the Devils Threesome, no we dont mean that sexually you perv, it mean you get to pick three villians instead of two, now we do offer certain discounts at this level for example certain package deals get a discounted rate such as the Gotham Sirens, they are usually seperate entities but as a team up they can be quite destructive so if you choose each of them for this package we do offer a frequent team up discount. We also have the Four Horseman level, you get 4 choices, then the Fearsome Five and the Sinistery Six, this one was originally the Sinister Six but then the actual  sinister six sued us for copyright infringement so we added a y.

Now with these packages you do have to pick specific villians for your coverage and only that villian or villians group in cases like Joker and his gang or minions are covered. Now with this coverage we do cover teams as a single choice. Originally  we had a great example for this with Joker and Harley Quinn they were a package deal but what is true love anymore am i right? Hatley deserves better anyway, but like i was saying, in recent years with thier breakup now they are seperate options but constant teams do count as one so like if Ra’s and the assassins wreck your house thats all covered as one pick.

Now it can get difficult this covwrage can cuz if a villian on your list goes to jail it is your responsibility to update your policy. Premiums are of course going to be higher in the villian’s preferred locations. Also if your property gets wrecked by a team up and only part of the team is on your list we are only gona cover you for the percentage that your listed villians make up said team. SO if two face and penguin wreck your shit but you only had penguin listed youll get 50% covergae.

Seraphin: now wait a moment Harley, this is gona end up getting bery exhausting for people always having to call in and guess what villians might attack next. Why can’t we offer general billian coverage.

Harley: its still a buisness Seraphin, we still have to be able to make a profit somehow and general coverage would bankrupt us in a matter of days.

Seraphin: ok, ok, it sucks but i at least see your point. I almost feel bad for the service reps tho.

Harley: how come?

Seraphin: well think about it like this...

A customer calls in “ hello, i need to file a claim, Harey and her group of Quinns just trashed my house.”

“Oh dear that is terrible, I am sorry this has happen d but unfortunately I see that currently Harley Quinn is not a covered villian on your policy.

“Not covered! What the hell do you mean not covered! I have coverage for the Joker and his cohorts on my plan! This is Gotham! Who would be crazy enough not to have the Joker listed?!?!”

“Well of course Sir, I agree the Joker is a very popular coverage option and rightfully so but with their split up as of 2016 as well as Harley dipping more into the anti-hero roll her classification is only covered with the evolving character endorsement and she is no longer connected with the Joker so you see Sir, while I absolutely sympathize with your situation, unfortunately in this instance you ate currently not covered for this incident.”

“Well this policy is a joke!”

Si2: Did you two really just go through all of this for a halfwitted pun?

Harley and Seraphin: Yup :)