Monday, September 15, 2014

Scottish Terrorists Overwhelm the Small Town of Wooler

In a pre-dawn raid, Scottish terrorists took over Wooler which is near the disputed lands of Northumberland Park.  The defenseless villagers were taken by complete surprise and in a short time the terrorists had overwhelmed the Post Office and the Black Bull pub.  Using a combination of fixed artillery and mobile launchers, within minutes the entire defenseless town of Wooler was covered in sheep guts.

Having made their point, the terrorists retreated back across the border.  They didn't even bother to hide their path as there was a trail of empty vodka bottles.  If these were really Scotsmen, they would still have been drunk but they would have been whisky bottles.

Chief Constable Williamson of Wooler said, "All very well for you reporters to come up here to take pictures but who is going to clean up this bloody mess."

Some question the accuracy and veracity of this reporting but corroboration of Russian aggression is found in the esteemed Business Insider with Why Independence Could Put Scotland In Danger Of Russian Invasion.

The report from the Business Insider, while laudable in its insightfulness, is out-of date as it was written before the current escalation in which the incursions by the Russian vessels became more frequent and attacks by insurgent Scots become more bold.

David Cameron responded immediately to say, "This slaughter and indiscriminate disrespect for life will not to be tolerated.  Retalation will be swift and the full measure of the horrific nature of the Scottish / Russian attack.  We have seen previously in their many border excursions this is how they start.  First the sheep guts and then the bagpipes, all of them playing "Amazing Grace" at the same time and all slightly off-key."

He continued to say, "Lords and Ladies of this distinguished Parliament must understand and fully recognize the peril we face and I therefore submit we must respond with the full military weight of our armed forces which, admittedly, isn't very much but it's enough to repay the Scots for these endless border incursions."

The entire Parliament erupted with uproar to protest such an unbalanced response.  It came with such force that Cameron could not possibly be heard over the top of it and turned to an aide without first taking off the microphone.  He said angrily, "Fuck Parliament.  I'm the Prime Minister and if something needs killing then I'm going to bloody kill it."

No comments: