Cameron announced today he will not shirk his responsibility in ensuring the safety and security of England. He went on to say drone flights over Scotland were revealing the extent of the haggis launcher emplacements but there is a disturbing new development in that many launchers are mounted on rail cars and can be quickly moved to new launch sites. Additionally, there was strong evidence of the presence of WMLs (i.e. Weapons of Mass Launching) capable of chucking many pieces of haggis at once.
There was also strong satellite evidence of a buildup of people in kilts near the Scottish border. He said they were obviously Russian as you can tell by looking at any Russian soldier how much he longs to wear a dress.
Eight percent of the aggregate British military is in Scottish hands and Cameron repeated tonight the number is so low because 'frankly, I never trusted those sneaky Scottish bastards anyway.' Nevertheless, eight percent is a significant ground force and the 7th Royal Tank Division has been ordered to the border to ensure no penetration is possible. Strike forces are on full alert for any act of haggis terrorism committed by Russian, ahem, Scottish insurgents.
Cameron left the podium and Jen Ptaki, Minister of Informationally Informative Information Services, stepped forward to take questions.
Q. Are you related to Jen Psaki in the American White House?
A. Yes. We are clones. There are hundreds of us.
Q. Do you eat haggis?
A. No God-loving creature of this Earth and certainly not in Heaven would ever eat or even touch haggis. A sheep's rectum should be its own ... and the Scotsmen who love it.
Q. Does David Cameron suck eggs?
A. I'll have to get back to you on that.
Q. Did anyone anywhere ever suck an egg?
A. If anyone did, it would have been Cameron.
I see there are no other questions. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. God save the Queen and damn those Scottish terrorists and the godless Russian aggressors.
There was also strong satellite evidence of a buildup of people in kilts near the Scottish border. He said they were obviously Russian as you can tell by looking at any Russian soldier how much he longs to wear a dress.
Eight percent of the aggregate British military is in Scottish hands and Cameron repeated tonight the number is so low because 'frankly, I never trusted those sneaky Scottish bastards anyway.' Nevertheless, eight percent is a significant ground force and the 7th Royal Tank Division has been ordered to the border to ensure no penetration is possible. Strike forces are on full alert for any act of haggis terrorism committed by Russian, ahem, Scottish insurgents.
Cameron left the podium and Jen Ptaki, Minister of Informationally Informative Information Services, stepped forward to take questions.
Q. Are you related to Jen Psaki in the American White House?
A. Yes. We are clones. There are hundreds of us.
Q. Do you eat haggis?
A. No God-loving creature of this Earth and certainly not in Heaven would ever eat or even touch haggis. A sheep's rectum should be its own ... and the Scotsmen who love it.
Q. Does David Cameron suck eggs?
A. I'll have to get back to you on that.
Q. Did anyone anywhere ever suck an egg?
A. If anyone did, it would have been Cameron.
I see there are no other questions. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. God save the Queen and damn those Scottish terrorists and the godless Russian aggressors.
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