Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Why Don't Hobbits Fart

Perhaps you consider the topic inelegant and in some contexts that would be true but there is a biological imperative and it's important to review the fact of its absence as otherwise we may anticipate exploding Hobbits in the relatively near future.

Consider the circumstance as Hobbits eat like they're trying to win a hot-dog stuffing competition.  Their diet is very rich with little evidence of balancing nutrition and thus there is a high likelihood of substantial flatulence.  In fact, based on that alone, evenings in Hobbiton should sound like a barrage from USS Battleship Missouri.

However, zero farts.  In what must be close to fifteen continuous hours of Hobbits in the various movies, there is not one fart.  Perhaps Peter Jackson will resolve this obvious oversight in the last movie but, frankly, we doubt it.


There is another solution:  Mel Brooks

"Blazing Saddles"

Campfire scene

Hobbits


The above would be funny ... but ... we bring in Sergio Leone, King of the Spaghetti Westerns, as assistant director.  That way we can drag out the campfire scene to four hours and it would nothing but really intense close-ups of each Hobbit as they go through every aspect of bean eating and fart ripping.

The only difficult part I see is finding a Hobbit who looks like Lee van Cleef.

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