Thursday, December 25, 2014

"The Road" - Christmas Movie Awards - Updated

Here's a Christmas gift for you:  don't ever watch this movie, save yourself the two hours of your life.  Without kittens committing suicide, there's no way a movie could be more bleak.  What says Christmas more to you than watching some guy take two hours to die of cancer.  The concept is patently awful right from the top.


Most Pointless Story Line in Sci-Fi Award

At the start of the movie everyone was dead ... and they still were at the end of the movie plus a few more.  There's no explanation except that something happened.  Everything died except for a few people.  Why everything else died and they didn't is never explained.

So give us a hint, luv.  Was it because they practiced good dental hygiene.


Most Pointlessly Desperate Music in Sci-Fi Award

When you have bassoons groaning like depressive whales while you pan over a landscape that looks like it has been burned to the ground in a forest fire and do it repeatedly, you have direction and production so heavy-handed it should only be used for McDonald's commercials.


Worst Cinematography in a Sci-Movie Award

All of the turgid pans over an abundantly dead field of view are so heavily filtered that nothing remains other than shades of brown and grey.  It screams, this is really fucking depressing isn't it.  Actually it's just boring but bad cinematography in sum is always depressing as it means the cinematographer may do it again sometime.


Creepiest Premise in a Sci-Fi Award

Everything died so there's nothing left to eat except people ... so people do that ... a lot.  There are so many damn cannibals in this movie and, man, cannibals are really dangerous.  Even more dangerous is the dialog they inspire:

Son:  We're the good guys, right?
Dad:  Yes.
Son:  We don't eat people, right?
Dad:  No

Birds and the bees talks will never be the same.

It's also vaguely pedophilic as the kid looks girly, sounds girly, and the relationship isn't pedophilic but it still feels exceptionally weird.

Creepy.


Most Ridiculous Ending for a Sci-Fi Movie Award

We follow the kid and his dad for two hours while dad falls apart and finally dies.  In all that time, every single person wants to kill them and eat them except some old guy who won't lost much longer.  There are cannibals all over the place but it's never quite clear how any remain when they had eaten everything else.

So the dad dies, the kid gets eaten by a cannibal and fade to black, right?  Nooooo.

Almost as soon as dad lets out his last pitiful gasp, the kid finds another Good Guy ... and the Good Guy has a Good Wife ... and two Good Guy Kids ... and, get this, a fookin' dog.  And then they see a single bird in the sky.

The End.

What the hell do you mean The End, the movie never even started.



It's the type of flick that tags you in there and you hang with it thinking, man, there's got to be a point to this eventually.  Zero.  Total no-show.

The actors are reasonably good but you'd have to be able to bring life to reading a dictionary to make this thing work.  It even has a hot blonde ... so they kill her off early by freezing her to death in the snow.  Fookin' hell, man.

Don't do it.  Save those two hours.  I do have one good thing to say about it:  at least it makes "The Interview" look good.

No comments: