Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Ken Ham for the Ark Counter Bordello and Marijuana Emporium in Kentucky

After Ken Ham's Ark Encounter in Kentucky finally fails due to tax and accounting fraud, there is one tiny problem:  what do we do with this gigantic fucking ark which doesn't even float?

For most cases in construction, fire is the worst possible thing which could happen but it's different when you have built the only thing uglier than the Longaberger Basket Building in Newark, Ohio.

Prayer groups regularly gather at both places to pray for lightning to start the fire which burns these eyesores to the ground but, thus far, their prayers have not been answered.

The Rockhouse has a crackerjack property assessment team and they concurred on the perception the Ark Encounter is a drab, featureless monstrosity but they have theorized this can be turned to advantage since there is no establishment more desirous of privacy than a bordello and one of the many things Ark Encounter lacks is windows.  You may have seen many things in this big world but you probably have not previously set your eyes upon a bordello with dinosaurs.

Note:  you will not be able to have sex with a robo dinosaur but Japanese sex doll inventors are working on that and hope to announce one soon.

Ed:  you sick fuck!

Say there, Calamity Jane, but you might want to take a look around and the only thing people are not fuckin' out there lately is lizards but that's probably because they have trouble catching them.  That wouldn't be so bad except they feel compelled to tell us about it and, kee-rist, these people are boring.

Millennial:  last night I had sex with a family of dwarves, three lesbians, and a llama so let me tell you about it

Please fucking don't.

Ken Ham's Ark Encounter Bordello and Marijuana Emporium is going to change all that, see.  Instead of going to a social network to talk shit about your sex life which never really happened, now you can roll that old Dodge Ram pickup truck down the road to Ark Encounter and get those ashes hauled right, maybe even with a dinosaur as well if that does it for you.

Ed:  ashes hauled?

American slang for sex.  No-one knows what it actually means.

Ed:  what good is this for straight women?

Fear not, Sensitive Casanova, since Ken Ham's Ark Encounter and Marijuana Emporium is an equal opportunity bordello and will be equally-divided such that it accommodates men and women in their own areas.

Ed:  what about transgender?

I guess they go to whichever side they want, mate.  There may be some tactical aspects yet to consider for the overall plan.

Ed:  what about the Marijuana Emporium?

Of course it has a Marijuana Emporium since ganja has been the largest cash crop coming out of Kentucky since at least the Seventies.  Kentucky has relentlessly supported marijuana and coal miners only, in the case of marijuana, it worked.  Therefore it's a duty to Kentucky's grand heritage to dedicate a portion of the Ark Encounter to the Great God Mescalito and his divine ways, heavily-rooted in cannabis though they may be.

Ed:  you are Satan!

You know, someone called me that the other day but blocked me before I could ask if that means I get any special powers.

She said, "Thank God."

I asked, "Which one?"

She said, "You are Satan!"

Then she blocked me.

Definite original Ark Encounter customer in that one.  No wonder it's going out of business.

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