Being eccentric has always amused me but being clinical is more than I anticipated. In looking back over the paranoia that was building for quite a while, that's the stuff that gets the Men in White on your case. Everyone thinks I'm a joke. Everyone hates me.
This was not an online performance as various of the evil spirits gave valid reasons for believing such things but the crazy is carrying them around on your back for the rest of your life. Moreover, any trigger remotely related to things that happened would get the elephant jumping up and down.
Burning the accursed hat may have seemed highly pointed but it wasn't. Cat's insight was genius in the hat as a focal point for Every Damned Thing.
And good stuff starts happening almost immediately. Some of it was kind of predictable as Voodoo is going to give a kick-ass show, he kicks ass anyway ... but ... sometimes there's exceptionally kick-ass and, even though he had a leftover cold, so it was on Friday. Some of it wasn't as it was 50/50 on Vandengroef. The two previous shows had bumps so going into the one on Thursday I was thinking, please, please, this one has to work. Presto. It was a great set. Circus magic. (That sounds random but it's not. In the previous sets I had been giving feedback on what I was hearing. Van would make some changes plus tinker with whatever in-between. The first part of the Circus magic is that he would want to do it and the second part is that it worked)
Coming anywhere close to solving the problem with the computer is a wild shot as in you're saying what? That was in no way predictable.
Reefer comes and goes and I know some of you want to believe it's the root but I'm crazier than that and have been for a long time. The first story I wrote was "A Schizophrenic Talking to a Wall" and my sister took it down to my ol' Dad. He sent back to expand on it. Of course I didn't because I knew then he could diagnose me.
Crazy as a fuckin' loon.
Yes, this is a long-winded apology as I do know how hurtful various things I have said have been to the people most important to me. I don't know how the everyone's laughing, everyone hates me sort of paranoia sets into things but it's nothing new and reefer didn't do it. Whether reefer is relevant doesn't much matter as it fades anyway. The paranoia is something that's grown over decades. Then came a quite sudden revelation that you're completely 'round the bend, Mac.
I don't have a good answer for what to do about it, how to keep it stable in what seems to be clarity now, etc. I also don't have some psychopathic indifference to hurting people. Getting twisted up with people is the worst. Getting twisted up over things that are not real is somewhere past that.
The events that happened were real, the unreality part has been my perception of the reaction of people to them. It became very difficult to believe anything other than everyone is against me and everything is an attack. I was in contact with a smaller and smaller number of people with whom I could talk without feeling there's something I don't know, etc, etc.
I know I have apologized for this before and it's all the more reason to apologize again but the problem is that means I thought I had detected it previously but then failed. This is like being one of the Moties who built museums with the ability to withstand a nuclear war because they knew one would come and the museum would be all that was left. In time the Moties would rebuild, figure out how to open the Museum, and put it all back together again, each time adding more stuff to the museum. They knew they had to do that as there would definitely be another war and the need to use it all over again. ("The Mote in God's Eye" - Larry Niven)
I want Impressionism and to be Vincent with a guitar because there really are crows over the cornfield. My work is to stay clear there is more to it than crows over the cornfield as the potato eaters were hideous but they were beautiful in their repose. The one view can't overwhelm the other as that's when he blew off his head. I am not threatening that nor have I any intention of doing that.
In talking with Yevette, Ukraine has come up quite a bit to the point she wasn't seeing anything but crows. I can see it in others and even help but it's a bit more difficult doing it with myself.
Burning the hat is what set this thinking in motion. What to say about all of this came slower.
I'm sorry and the only answer that means anything is I will work harder on it.
This was not an online performance as various of the evil spirits gave valid reasons for believing such things but the crazy is carrying them around on your back for the rest of your life. Moreover, any trigger remotely related to things that happened would get the elephant jumping up and down.
Burning the accursed hat may have seemed highly pointed but it wasn't. Cat's insight was genius in the hat as a focal point for Every Damned Thing.
And good stuff starts happening almost immediately. Some of it was kind of predictable as Voodoo is going to give a kick-ass show, he kicks ass anyway ... but ... sometimes there's exceptionally kick-ass and, even though he had a leftover cold, so it was on Friday. Some of it wasn't as it was 50/50 on Vandengroef. The two previous shows had bumps so going into the one on Thursday I was thinking, please, please, this one has to work. Presto. It was a great set. Circus magic. (That sounds random but it's not. In the previous sets I had been giving feedback on what I was hearing. Van would make some changes plus tinker with whatever in-between. The first part of the Circus magic is that he would want to do it and the second part is that it worked)
Coming anywhere close to solving the problem with the computer is a wild shot as in you're saying what? That was in no way predictable.
Reefer comes and goes and I know some of you want to believe it's the root but I'm crazier than that and have been for a long time. The first story I wrote was "A Schizophrenic Talking to a Wall" and my sister took it down to my ol' Dad. He sent back to expand on it. Of course I didn't because I knew then he could diagnose me.
Crazy as a fuckin' loon.
Yes, this is a long-winded apology as I do know how hurtful various things I have said have been to the people most important to me. I don't know how the everyone's laughing, everyone hates me sort of paranoia sets into things but it's nothing new and reefer didn't do it. Whether reefer is relevant doesn't much matter as it fades anyway. The paranoia is something that's grown over decades. Then came a quite sudden revelation that you're completely 'round the bend, Mac.
I don't have a good answer for what to do about it, how to keep it stable in what seems to be clarity now, etc. I also don't have some psychopathic indifference to hurting people. Getting twisted up with people is the worst. Getting twisted up over things that are not real is somewhere past that.
The events that happened were real, the unreality part has been my perception of the reaction of people to them. It became very difficult to believe anything other than everyone is against me and everything is an attack. I was in contact with a smaller and smaller number of people with whom I could talk without feeling there's something I don't know, etc, etc.
I know I have apologized for this before and it's all the more reason to apologize again but the problem is that means I thought I had detected it previously but then failed. This is like being one of the Moties who built museums with the ability to withstand a nuclear war because they knew one would come and the museum would be all that was left. In time the Moties would rebuild, figure out how to open the Museum, and put it all back together again, each time adding more stuff to the museum. They knew they had to do that as there would definitely be another war and the need to use it all over again. ("The Mote in God's Eye" - Larry Niven)
I want Impressionism and to be Vincent with a guitar because there really are crows over the cornfield. My work is to stay clear there is more to it than crows over the cornfield as the potato eaters were hideous but they were beautiful in their repose. The one view can't overwhelm the other as that's when he blew off his head. I am not threatening that nor have I any intention of doing that.
In talking with Yevette, Ukraine has come up quite a bit to the point she wasn't seeing anything but crows. I can see it in others and even help but it's a bit more difficult doing it with myself.
Burning the hat is what set this thinking in motion. What to say about all of this came slower.
I'm sorry and the only answer that means anything is I will work harder on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment