There's no way you can get a true idea of what happens down here without spilling my guts about it so here goes.
On lying down, my heart blows off any 2/2 beat and goes straight for jazz. This will go on for some minutes and through this I'm telling myself to breathe, it wants oxygen, and then it gets all Silas Zen after that in focusing without focusing.
Blood pressure at 150/100 is not immediately lethal but 100 is the crossover into the Dead Man Zone. It is not a silent killer as you know very well you have high blood pressure ... but ... you won't know until it's out of control. Do keep your eye on this one, young grasshopper.
Note: one easy way to do that is to donate blood as you'll get a BP check every time. Mine was stable until I was forty and then it started going up. I wouldn't have known that except for the blood bank as I didn't go to doctors that much except for bike crashes.
My chest is spitting out some heavy gunk but that's not hugely surprising after a lot of milk as I couldn't get anything else down and, at first, even that wouldn't stay down.
My stomach is just pissed off at the Universe and it has been. The sequence is that I cough, I puke and repeat.
It's the strangest thing to see my body going to shit while my head still works. Some think it is less than functional given my radicalism but I see nothing at all radical in anything I say. Maybe that's madness, maybe it's reality. Make of it what you will.
Maybe strangest of all is that I don't feel like I'm suffering. Stuff hurts but that's not the same thing.
Suffering for me is feeling like a failure in that the wars didn't stop, they got worse. Maybe that looks like substituting failing as a musician ... but I didn't. I would have absolutely hated being famous as I like people ... I just don't much like talking to them. I do if it's cool but mostly people want to chat and that gives me a headache almost every time. I would have been a coked-out floater in a swimming pool in no time. Even getting close to it killed Ophir. Paul died. Kim Kardashian and her gigantic backside can have fame. It doesn't look at all interesting to me and, in fact, it's actively dangerous.
So my failure, in fact, is that there is something different I should have done and perhaps that would have caused some other thing to happen, etc, etc. It's not that I have any megalomania and believe I could have done it by myself but rather everyone plays a part and my guilt is that I played the wrong one. This one is difficult and gets a lot of thinking. That gets the thinking that the guitar was nothing but selfishness. This hardly warrants crucifixion but that thinking is present nevertheless.
On lying down, my heart blows off any 2/2 beat and goes straight for jazz. This will go on for some minutes and through this I'm telling myself to breathe, it wants oxygen, and then it gets all Silas Zen after that in focusing without focusing.
Blood pressure at 150/100 is not immediately lethal but 100 is the crossover into the Dead Man Zone. It is not a silent killer as you know very well you have high blood pressure ... but ... you won't know until it's out of control. Do keep your eye on this one, young grasshopper.
Note: one easy way to do that is to donate blood as you'll get a BP check every time. Mine was stable until I was forty and then it started going up. I wouldn't have known that except for the blood bank as I didn't go to doctors that much except for bike crashes.
My chest is spitting out some heavy gunk but that's not hugely surprising after a lot of milk as I couldn't get anything else down and, at first, even that wouldn't stay down.
My stomach is just pissed off at the Universe and it has been. The sequence is that I cough, I puke and repeat.
It's the strangest thing to see my body going to shit while my head still works. Some think it is less than functional given my radicalism but I see nothing at all radical in anything I say. Maybe that's madness, maybe it's reality. Make of it what you will.
Maybe strangest of all is that I don't feel like I'm suffering. Stuff hurts but that's not the same thing.
Suffering for me is feeling like a failure in that the wars didn't stop, they got worse. Maybe that looks like substituting failing as a musician ... but I didn't. I would have absolutely hated being famous as I like people ... I just don't much like talking to them. I do if it's cool but mostly people want to chat and that gives me a headache almost every time. I would have been a coked-out floater in a swimming pool in no time. Even getting close to it killed Ophir. Paul died. Kim Kardashian and her gigantic backside can have fame. It doesn't look at all interesting to me and, in fact, it's actively dangerous.
So my failure, in fact, is that there is something different I should have done and perhaps that would have caused some other thing to happen, etc, etc. It's not that I have any megalomania and believe I could have done it by myself but rather everyone plays a part and my guilt is that I played the wrong one. This one is difficult and gets a lot of thinking. That gets the thinking that the guitar was nothing but selfishness. This hardly warrants crucifixion but that thinking is present nevertheless.
No comments:
Post a Comment