Wednesday, June 7, 2017

No Sign of Martians Over the White House

Although we were ready for the arrival of the Martians, notwithstanding the lack of awareness others may have about them, we received a communication from them just now in which they first repeated the original announcement.

Martians: to the primitive people of the White House, we announce we are here from Mars and we come in peace.  This not the movie you may have seen which was kind of amusing but mostly dumb. We reiterate, we are from Mars and we come in peace.

They told us they sent that message but received in reply only a simple question, "Is that somewhere on the Moon?"

At that point they decided to defer landing and are instead circling, possibly to try another tack to get around Kellyanne Conway.

We hope to bring a more positive report about Martians in a subsequent article but Conway's loose grasp of facts leads us to believe she may have told Trump the Mothmen are coming.

Tip:  the Mothmen are already here and witness the collapse of the Silver Bridge.  Naturally, officials deny sightings of Mothmen at the scene but they always do.  Some of you in the Ohio / West Virginia area are aware of the Mothmen.

That led to some other questions:

Is it possible to get a sunburn through a window.

That came back medium crumby since the answer is yes and no.  The glass in a car will block the UVB which will fry your skin but blocks only about 30-40% of the UVA and that penetrates deeper for even more joy joy feelings.  The answer is still to dress up as if for a desert crossing when going outside so that one was a bust for comedy.

And then I recalled lobster races in Rhode Island and I never actually saw one but I'm told the way it plays is two will race across the kitchen and either the winner or the loser goes into the lobster pot to boil first.  I don't know whether the winner or the loser goes into the pot first but that's an important thing for a lobster to discover.

I will surely burn to atone for my complicity in a number of lobster murders but no races.  Maybe there's some comedy in knowing the cook does not do the wash up, as is his privilege, but, alas, I was not a cook.  Cleaning up a lobster pot isn't an intimidating thing as I had done my time on KP and nothing in a home kitchen will touch that.

Naturally, there's the unutterable importance of why some animals have long whiskers and it's really not that funny but kind of cute since those critters know if the hole will fit their whiskers then they can pull the rest of themselves through it as well.

Having a beard really sucks even if it seems kind of cool for about twenty minutes when you're a kid. However, having long whiskers with a tactile sense would be very cool as you go to the toilet at night but you probably won't turn on lights because you don't want the eye shock or to wake up too much and you bump into things all over the place ... but ... how about those whiskers.

And, wtf, there's got to be things of a perverse sexual nature one could do with them as well but I leave that for the interested student to discover.

Watson:  are you talking GMO tactile whiskers for humans?

You're on that kozmik beam, Watson.

Watson:  that's not funny

Nope but it would be a gas to play with them and junior stoners would be wailing, "Whoa, whoa, I can't feel my whiskers."

They would be fun for the whole squad.

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