Carol Kirkwood Gives Best Weather Report of All Time

Carol Kirkwood left the BBC studio to do a weather report from the North York Moors on Friday morning and we suspect that location presented a less than hospitable aspect to her.  There's no chance we can express her summary of the weather more succinctly or more accurately than she so here is the dialog with Bill Turnbull, her news partner in the studio.  (News Thump: No sanction for BBC’s Carol Kirkwood over ‘cold as f*ck’ weather forecast)





Bill Turnbull:  And now to Carol for the weather

Bill Turnbull:  Carol, it looks a bit chilly where you are?

Carol Kirkwood:  That’s right, Billy.  It’s cold as fuck.

Bill Turnbull:  I’m sorry? (visibly shocked)

Carol Kirkwood:  Cold. As. Fuck. (with emphasis)

Carol Kirkwood:  Bastard cold.  Shitting cold.  Cold as an eskimo’s arse.  Cold as a witch’s tit.  Cold enough to worry any brass monkeys.  It is abso-fucking-lutely fucking cold as fucking fuck.

Bill Turnbull:  I see (stammering)

Bill Turnbull:  Um, so is there any detail on the forecast for ...

Carol Kirkwood:  No.  Cold as fuck.  Probably some rain in Scotland and the North, I mean, I haven’t checked but it’s a fair assumption.  Now, sod this, I’m going to get off this God-forsaken blasted bastard heath and try and find somewhere in this hellish backwater with the ability to make a decent cup of coffee.


She then dropped the microphone and stalked off muttering about being a proper scientist, not a performing penguin.

Tip:  be careful what you believe, honeychile.