Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Surviving a Nuke War for Dummies from Lifehacker | You Won't Even Believe

You only thought the Pentagon approach to nuclear war is suicidally ludicrous.  Lifehacker brings us the tip top steps on how to handle it if you live through one.

This is advice I hope you never need but should know anyway. A nuclear attack is everybody’s worst nightmare, and the immediate aftermath is just as bad, if not worse, than the explosion itself. Here’s what you should do if you survive the initial blast.

- LH


I don't know about you, my brothers and sisters, but I'm feeling the suspense.  What should I do at this time when I know the city has been melted and soon whatever is left of civilization will disintegrate into cannibalistic horrors when the food runs out and before the last of us dies of radiation poisoning.

Maybe we will get fashion tips.  I can't wait to find out.

You’ll know a nuclear bomb went off near you if there’s a sudden flash of bright, white light, which may or may not give you flash blindness if you’re within 50 miles or so of ground zero. If that bright, white blindness eventually clears up, and you don’t suddenly feel at peace, you’re alive. Other signs of a nuclear blast include near instant first-degree to third-degree burns if you’re within 10 miles or so, and of course, the trademark mushroom cloud looming over the skyline.

- LH

This is so deliciously, blitheringly half-witted.

Let's take a wild chance and guess another tip to the fact a nuclear bomb went off nearby is your iPhone just melted in your pocket.  That would also be a clue.

I love that trademark on the mushroom cloud since somehow, some way, we can make a buck on this.

It gets geniuser by the line.  You remember when Alice said that, right?

"Geniuser and geniuser," she said.

As soon as you realize what’s happening, researcher Michael Dillon, from the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, suggests you find shelter immediately in order to escape nuclear fallout. In his report for the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society A: Mathematical, Physical and Engineering Sciences, Dillon recommends hiding within the most dense building material possible. The thicker the better. 

- LH

Dayum, science makes it all clear for us.  Get behind a big rock.

So, that's all straight now.  When the bomb goes off, get behind a big rock.

Here's another helpful tip on how to save yourself after a nuke war.

Oh, not you, Texas.  You don't have basements so, well, you're fucked.

- LH

From the graphic we can see the basement is the best place to pretend you have any chance of surviving the fallout.  Also pretend this chart has any basis anywhere in empirical data.

It doesn't seem they were being satirical about is since this is how it closed.

Lastly, make sure you only drink bottled water and eat food from sealed containers until a rescue team can get to you. As you wait, listen to the radio to stay up to date on where you can find help and get screened for contamination.

- LifeHacker:  Where to Hide If a Nuclear Bomb Goes Off In Your Area

That's it.  You only have to hide out for a while and then help will come.  After every major city in the country has been obliterated, someone will come to see if you're doing alright.

Chin up since you can listen to the radio to bolster your spirits.

Ed:  what radio is that?

Details, details ... it's all magic.

What brings this fantasy of survival to the surface.  There are any number of expositions on how it's impossible to survive a nuke war but there's nothing which shows any alternative possibility ... at least until LifeHacker.

You will make it.  You just need to hide out in a basement until help comes.

If this isn't Snowflake Helplessness with 10,000-candlepower illumination, what is it.

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