Kevin McCarthy announced today, "Before God, I swear to you until my last breath I will continue pretending to be the success this cheap suit indicates I might be. Moreover, I further swear to continue, with great fervor, to pretend I am a Republican and that I have a future in politics."
Having taken this brave stand, Kevin McCarthy stood tearfully in front of us for a moment and then was led away by someone who appeared to know the appropriate voice commands.
Then we heard someone say, "Where's the other dog?"
That's when Jason Chaffetz showed up and he said he might be willing to take the job.
There was a brief interview and Chaffetz was asked if he is ready to pretend to be a Republican with a future.
He nodded enthusiastically and said, "No-one trusts me because you can't believe anything I say. I can pretend to be anything you like."
Next he was asked if he is willing to embarrass America at every opportunity.
Again Chaffetz nodded enthusiastically and said, "The way I went after Cecile Richard was an embarrassment to every thinking person on the planet. I am ready to accept the challenge of continuing that embarrassment to this great country in every way I can."
Chaffetz was then asked if he is familiar with the Mountain Meadow Massacre committed by Mormons under the leadership of Brigham Young? (WIKI: Brigham Young and the Mountain Meadows massacre)
Chaffetz replied, "Of course you can't trust Mormons but, think it through, it's ok because you can't trust me anyway."
At that moment there was a report McCarthy had been spotted walking around in circles while muttering to himself, "I coulda had class. I coulda been a contendah!"
Having taken this brave stand, Kevin McCarthy stood tearfully in front of us for a moment and then was led away by someone who appeared to know the appropriate voice commands.
Then we heard someone say, "Where's the other dog?"
That's when Jason Chaffetz showed up and he said he might be willing to take the job.
There was a brief interview and Chaffetz was asked if he is ready to pretend to be a Republican with a future.
He nodded enthusiastically and said, "No-one trusts me because you can't believe anything I say. I can pretend to be anything you like."
Next he was asked if he is willing to embarrass America at every opportunity.
Again Chaffetz nodded enthusiastically and said, "The way I went after Cecile Richard was an embarrassment to every thinking person on the planet. I am ready to accept the challenge of continuing that embarrassment to this great country in every way I can."
Chaffetz was then asked if he is familiar with the Mountain Meadow Massacre committed by Mormons under the leadership of Brigham Young? (WIKI: Brigham Young and the Mountain Meadows massacre)
Chaffetz replied, "Of course you can't trust Mormons but, think it through, it's ok because you can't trust me anyway."
At that moment there was a report McCarthy had been spotted walking around in circles while muttering to himself, "I coulda had class. I coulda been a contendah!"
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