Editor is Synonymous with Asshole

My nephew, The Raven, is burning for writing and has just completed his latest novel.  He asked for reviews and a bit of editorial assistance.  So, without editorializing about editing, let's get on with the second round since we have talked previously on the topic.

Current manuscript:

“Please private, I’m merely lucky,” I said as I stared out at the scenery passing just below us, “I’m certainly not immortal. You’re quite right about my men though, fine group of men, and mean as the teeth of Hell when they need to be.” I couldn’t imagine why the High General wanted to speak with me. Despite the notoriety my men and I had gained I was still just a lieutenant. No matter what it was I didn’t imagine this meeting could bode well for my men.

Suggestion:

“Please, Private.  I’m merely lucky,” I said as I stared out at the scenery passing just below us.

“I’m certainly not immortal. You’re quite right about my men though; fine group of men and mean as the teeth of Hell when they need to be.”

I couldn’t imagine why the High General wanted to speak with me.  Despite the notoriety my men and I had gained, I was still just a lieutenant.  No matter what it was, I didn’t imagine this meeting could bode well for my men.

Note:  I really like 'mean as the teeth of Hell' because that adds great color to the description.

The general thinking is to use as much space as you need because, just as silence is part of the music, spacing is part of the writing.

Note:  it's more than spacing the lines and there are some commas and semicolons inserted as well.  Hmm ... let's go full editorial and red pen them.

Recommendations:

When there is dialog, spread it out as much as possible to make it clear at all times who is speaking.

A short paragraph is almost always better than a long one.  Watch for trying to tell an entire story in a single paragraph and break them into elements.  People will still assemble the thought but it's somewhat easier to digest that way rather than a monolithic paragraph.

Don't concern yourself overmuch with grammar except toward the same objective of breaking thoughts into elements to present them more clearly.  I often use ellipsis to delineate thoughts and that's not at all proper grammar but it serves my purpose.

Grammar also is much like music insofar as you learn the rules ... and then smash them as you like.

Note:  "The Elements of Style" is a traditional reference for writing and is well worth your money.  It won't tell you how to write but it will tell you about how to format whatever you have written.

So, the emphasis on this review is clarity of thought.  Your readers will love you for it and you can help yourself achieve that by separating the thoughts into elements so people can receive them in a way closer to how we really think.

The Raven has written a highly-imaginative piece but the trouble with high imagination is it spills forth like ten billion butterfly sneezes and that's marvelous in scope but not so easy in understanding.

So, I'm the editor (i.e. asshole) who says, hey, hey, slow down, Young Writer.  Fan it out some more and let's see those wings.

(Ed:  was that a metaphor?)

Fuck you.   (See above about being an asshole editor.  Ha!)