When you know hashish was in use ten thousand years ago in the Far East, it makes the history of the Middle East much easier to understand. There was hashish all over the place and had been for millennia preceding the time of Jesus.
(Ed: what about Moses?)
It's just the same for him as hashish has a long, long history with humanity.
(Ed: are you going to tell me the Three Wise Men were stoners and Jesus was all a pipe dream?)
Noooooo, Calamitous Calvin, they weren't stoners. If the Three Wise Men were stoned, they would have seen that star and would have just sat there watching it, saying to each other, "Dayum, look at that big fookin' star!"
The next thing that one would have said was, "Heya, wanna pass that bong this way?"
(Ed: don't even tell me hashish was one of the things they brought for the King of the Jews!)
Well, it would have been a fitting gift for a king, would it not. Subjects may insult a king with lowly alcoholic spirits whereas a real gift for royalty is a premium smoke of the high-grade hashish (i.e. the only kind there has ever been in the Middle East).
(Ed: so you're saying Mary and Joseph were stoners then?)
Noooo, we're not saying that either ... only that they could have been. We do not think it is likely because Joseph had all his fingers.
(Ed: how does that make any kind of difference to anything?)
See, yer stoner carpenter isn't going to keep his fingers too long because it ends up he accidentally saws them off or whacks 'em with a hammer. Reefer and carpentry are not yer good combination. Therefore, we conclude Joseph was not a stoner.
(Ed: oooh, no. I see where you're going now. It was Jesus, wasn't it?)
Well, eighteen lost years before he started his ministry are a wee bit tough to explain, we're sure you will admit.
(Ed: Jesus still had all his fingers so he couldn't have been a stoner!)
Not so fast, Sherlock Holmes, all we know from that is he wasn't a stoner carpenter.
(Ed: But we know he was a carpenter so smoking fookin' hashish as well logically makes him a fookin' stoner carpenter!)
Noooo, you're assuming he was a carpenter because Joseph did it.
(Ed: the Bible says he was a carpenter!)
No, in fact, it doesn't, you ol' Texas Christian, you. The only thing in the New Testament about the lost eighteen years is 'Mel Gibson is making this part up now and will get back to us.'
It is not present in the Bible. Carpentry is absent in any discussion of Jesus. AWOL. Is not there.
(Ed: yah, yah, I get it. That still doesn't make him a stoner and he was probably a carpenter so that's good enough for me.)
Well, that's probably why you drive a beater Crown Vic and live in a trailer park.
What's the first thing we know about them dang kids and old dad's job. All together now: they're not going to fookin' do it. As soon as they're old enough, they're going to get together, get a big bag of reefer, and run off to musical festivals. Either that or they whine for the rest of their lives because they didn't.
We're thinking it's likely Jesus really was a carpenter with Joseph teaching him the family business but that only lasts until the rebellious teen years and then things start changing, don't they, chill'uns.
(Ed: no way he ran off to a music festival. They didn't have music festivals back then!)
Are you fookin' serious? Of course they had music festivals. They didn't have all that much else to do!
Back in ancient Jerusalem, the kids couldn't go to watch "Star Wars" in 3D at the iMax. They couldn't pile into cars their parents had bought them so they could go off to the mall to complain about the misery of suburban existence and the pointlessness of life. Back in Jerusalem, they couldn't sit around endlessly playing with social networks but never really doing anything. However, they could sure as hell blow some hashish while they hung out listening to music.
(Ed: so you're saying for sure Jesus was a stoner?)
We ain't sayin' that at all, Alphonse ... but ... we are definitely sayin' you can't prove he wasn't.
(Ed: what about Moses?)
It's just the same for him as hashish has a long, long history with humanity.
(Ed: are you going to tell me the Three Wise Men were stoners and Jesus was all a pipe dream?)
Noooooo, Calamitous Calvin, they weren't stoners. If the Three Wise Men were stoned, they would have seen that star and would have just sat there watching it, saying to each other, "Dayum, look at that big fookin' star!"
The next thing that one would have said was, "Heya, wanna pass that bong this way?"
(Ed: don't even tell me hashish was one of the things they brought for the King of the Jews!)
Well, it would have been a fitting gift for a king, would it not. Subjects may insult a king with lowly alcoholic spirits whereas a real gift for royalty is a premium smoke of the high-grade hashish (i.e. the only kind there has ever been in the Middle East).
(Ed: so you're saying Mary and Joseph were stoners then?)
Noooo, we're not saying that either ... only that they could have been. We do not think it is likely because Joseph had all his fingers.
(Ed: how does that make any kind of difference to anything?)
See, yer stoner carpenter isn't going to keep his fingers too long because it ends up he accidentally saws them off or whacks 'em with a hammer. Reefer and carpentry are not yer good combination. Therefore, we conclude Joseph was not a stoner.
(Ed: oooh, no. I see where you're going now. It was Jesus, wasn't it?)
Well, eighteen lost years before he started his ministry are a wee bit tough to explain, we're sure you will admit.
(Ed: Jesus still had all his fingers so he couldn't have been a stoner!)
Not so fast, Sherlock Holmes, all we know from that is he wasn't a stoner carpenter.
(Ed: But we know he was a carpenter so smoking fookin' hashish as well logically makes him a fookin' stoner carpenter!)
Noooo, you're assuming he was a carpenter because Joseph did it.
(Ed: the Bible says he was a carpenter!)
No, in fact, it doesn't, you ol' Texas Christian, you. The only thing in the New Testament about the lost eighteen years is 'Mel Gibson is making this part up now and will get back to us.'
It is not present in the Bible. Carpentry is absent in any discussion of Jesus. AWOL. Is not there.
(Ed: yah, yah, I get it. That still doesn't make him a stoner and he was probably a carpenter so that's good enough for me.)
Well, that's probably why you drive a beater Crown Vic and live in a trailer park.
What's the first thing we know about them dang kids and old dad's job. All together now: they're not going to fookin' do it. As soon as they're old enough, they're going to get together, get a big bag of reefer, and run off to musical festivals. Either that or they whine for the rest of their lives because they didn't.
We're thinking it's likely Jesus really was a carpenter with Joseph teaching him the family business but that only lasts until the rebellious teen years and then things start changing, don't they, chill'uns.
(Ed: no way he ran off to a music festival. They didn't have music festivals back then!)
Are you fookin' serious? Of course they had music festivals. They didn't have all that much else to do!
Back in ancient Jerusalem, the kids couldn't go to watch "Star Wars" in 3D at the iMax. They couldn't pile into cars their parents had bought them so they could go off to the mall to complain about the misery of suburban existence and the pointlessness of life. Back in Jerusalem, they couldn't sit around endlessly playing with social networks but never really doing anything. However, they could sure as hell blow some hashish while they hung out listening to music.
(Ed: so you're saying for sure Jesus was a stoner?)
We ain't sayin' that at all, Alphonse ... but ... we are definitely sayin' you can't prove he wasn't.
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