Disclaimer: in your face about cancer without intention to shock or disturb. Bail out now if you wish but you may be surprised since my purpose is not horror but the opposite.
Zen Yogi: we don't need no stinkin' news from TV?
That's right, Yogi.
Dancing about with morphine sounds a bit sordid but the dose is 1/500th of the maximum clinical dose so there's no chance of dancing too close to the fire. I truly don't want any buzz from the morphine since that's a cost to cognitive function which is absolutely no damn good. Buzzed from the ganja is good but wasted from morphine is not.
The dance is in determining when to suck up some more of it but only in 5-7 mg chunks after splitting the morphine pills. My sleep/wake cycle is about two on / two off and so the wake routine is does it hurt and if yes does it hurt enough to do anything about it. I'm not trying to be a tough guy; I just don't want to be a cabbage.
Note: splitting the pills doesn't result in any fast hit due to breaking the time delay coating of the pill and that's most likely because the dose is relatively small.
Dealing with needing a caretaker is a bit much to take. My preference has always been to go underground when I'm damaged and I'll come back up again when it's better. This time there isn't a choice and Yevette has been trying so hard to be helpful but my tendency is to ask not to help so much. That doesn't get fractious but it's difficult for both when she wants so much to make this better. Like I've said before, in many ways it's harder to watch a crash than be in one.
Lotho was riding behind me on a different bike when I crashed at high speed. During the course of it, my helmet came off and he thought my head was still in it so he didn't know if he would find a dead man after he turned back around. I'm sincere that it can be harder to watch since I don't have any particular PTSD as a result of that one but it would have been damn tough for Lotho to lose that memory of the helmet coming off.
Food is a continuing problem since it's abhorrent to me. This is where Yevette feels helpless and I do to some extent but mostly I'm annoyed that I don't have a clear explanation. It's not the morphine since this started long before that so the situation remains a thing for Miss Rita because it's a major fail if I do not ask questions to discover why that should happen and what if anything to do about it.
The fail in the description of such a situation is in issuing a daily weight reports or anything of that nature since that adds nothing useful. The purpose in writing about any of this is to reduce fears you may have about how cancer really goes and that's not served by any kind of shock treatment or daily tale of suffering.
The primary reason for writing this is for family who can get here and also family who can't. There's no way I could have simply given an expectation of timing from the Pulmonary doctor since she can't know whether the cancer is more or less aggressive without a biopsy. I declined the biopsy along with chemo so an estimate of that nature doesn't exist and that means trying to deduce one. September looks good for pulling off while a visit in October doesn't so much.
The situation is ever to track what I can do rather than what I can't. If I let myself get obsessed with losses then I'll have hellhounds chasing me around the Rockhouse 'round-the-clock. It is not that way now although I could do without the fuckin' rats. Yevette is a great rat killer but it sounds like there could be one or two more.
Zen Yogi: I don't hear much rat pacifism here, Silas
And you won't, my bear buddy, since rats never brought anything good anywhere at any time.
Zen Yogi: no political crack on that?
Nah, since anyone can wind up in this situation and I don't want to alienate anyone frivolously.
There's still nothing I really want. Children have Make-a-Wish and that may even extend to adults but it wouldn't add anything to ride in a hot-air balloon or some such. I laud the efforts of Make-a-Wish but actualization comes to different people in different ways.
Once as a kid, I said to Doc I wanted to be a Renaissance Man and he dismissed the idea as obsolete thinking. That kind of exchange is one of my regrets since we sucked tremendously as communicators and quite a bit mind power was wasted on snark. The fault belongs to all of us but I have no idea why it existed.
I never achieved a real Renaissance Man status since I don't speak six languages, one of which must be Greek because it's impossible. However, the thinking has always intrigued me and that's why Make-a-Wish really couldn't do anything because the wish would be to read one more book or find one more science article and it may not even be in a field in which I'm fully conversant but I'll read along to see what I discover from it.
That thinking is really why I think people come to Ithaka since the interests are wide so you can't really ever be sure what you will find here but it often surprises.
Zen Yogi: so you plan on seeing it hit a million?
Sure since it only has 25K to go now and that's probably about 25 days which definitely seems feasible.
Zen Yogi: so you must not become a slacker?
No way, mate, no slacking in this campaign.
Zen Yogi: we don't need no stinkin' news from TV?
That's right, Yogi.
Dancing about with morphine sounds a bit sordid but the dose is 1/500th of the maximum clinical dose so there's no chance of dancing too close to the fire. I truly don't want any buzz from the morphine since that's a cost to cognitive function which is absolutely no damn good. Buzzed from the ganja is good but wasted from morphine is not.
The dance is in determining when to suck up some more of it but only in 5-7 mg chunks after splitting the morphine pills. My sleep/wake cycle is about two on / two off and so the wake routine is does it hurt and if yes does it hurt enough to do anything about it. I'm not trying to be a tough guy; I just don't want to be a cabbage.
Note: splitting the pills doesn't result in any fast hit due to breaking the time delay coating of the pill and that's most likely because the dose is relatively small.
Dealing with needing a caretaker is a bit much to take. My preference has always been to go underground when I'm damaged and I'll come back up again when it's better. This time there isn't a choice and Yevette has been trying so hard to be helpful but my tendency is to ask not to help so much. That doesn't get fractious but it's difficult for both when she wants so much to make this better. Like I've said before, in many ways it's harder to watch a crash than be in one.
Lotho was riding behind me on a different bike when I crashed at high speed. During the course of it, my helmet came off and he thought my head was still in it so he didn't know if he would find a dead man after he turned back around. I'm sincere that it can be harder to watch since I don't have any particular PTSD as a result of that one but it would have been damn tough for Lotho to lose that memory of the helmet coming off.
Food is a continuing problem since it's abhorrent to me. This is where Yevette feels helpless and I do to some extent but mostly I'm annoyed that I don't have a clear explanation. It's not the morphine since this started long before that so the situation remains a thing for Miss Rita because it's a major fail if I do not ask questions to discover why that should happen and what if anything to do about it.
The fail in the description of such a situation is in issuing a daily weight reports or anything of that nature since that adds nothing useful. The purpose in writing about any of this is to reduce fears you may have about how cancer really goes and that's not served by any kind of shock treatment or daily tale of suffering.
The primary reason for writing this is for family who can get here and also family who can't. There's no way I could have simply given an expectation of timing from the Pulmonary doctor since she can't know whether the cancer is more or less aggressive without a biopsy. I declined the biopsy along with chemo so an estimate of that nature doesn't exist and that means trying to deduce one. September looks good for pulling off while a visit in October doesn't so much.
The situation is ever to track what I can do rather than what I can't. If I let myself get obsessed with losses then I'll have hellhounds chasing me around the Rockhouse 'round-the-clock. It is not that way now although I could do without the fuckin' rats. Yevette is a great rat killer but it sounds like there could be one or two more.
Zen Yogi: I don't hear much rat pacifism here, Silas
And you won't, my bear buddy, since rats never brought anything good anywhere at any time.
Zen Yogi: no political crack on that?
Nah, since anyone can wind up in this situation and I don't want to alienate anyone frivolously.
There's still nothing I really want. Children have Make-a-Wish and that may even extend to adults but it wouldn't add anything to ride in a hot-air balloon or some such. I laud the efforts of Make-a-Wish but actualization comes to different people in different ways.
Once as a kid, I said to Doc I wanted to be a Renaissance Man and he dismissed the idea as obsolete thinking. That kind of exchange is one of my regrets since we sucked tremendously as communicators and quite a bit mind power was wasted on snark. The fault belongs to all of us but I have no idea why it existed.
I never achieved a real Renaissance Man status since I don't speak six languages, one of which must be Greek because it's impossible. However, the thinking has always intrigued me and that's why Make-a-Wish really couldn't do anything because the wish would be to read one more book or find one more science article and it may not even be in a field in which I'm fully conversant but I'll read along to see what I discover from it.
That thinking is really why I think people come to Ithaka since the interests are wide so you can't really ever be sure what you will find here but it often surprises.
Zen Yogi: so you plan on seeing it hit a million?
Sure since it only has 25K to go now and that's probably about 25 days which definitely seems feasible.
Zen Yogi: so you must not become a slacker?
No way, mate, no slacking in this campaign.
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