Oh, That's Right ... You Come Around for the Hookers and the Easy Hook-ups

I see now how you do.  Hookers and hook-ups, it's always the way.

Here at the Rockhouse, we can call that bluff any old time.  You'll see online people all the time talking about doing this 'naughty thing' or that but I never have the impression they actually did any of these things.

Well ...

So she rubs her hand in a circle over her tummy and her English wasn't so good so she said, "Bambino."

My first thought was, "Ela, ela, girl.  It doesn't work THAT fast."

(Ed:  was that really your first thought?)

Nah, that just sounded better.  Besides, she didn't speak that much English and she didn't speak any Greek.

(Ed:  neither do you)

Malaka

(Ed:  fuck you.  I know what it means too.)


What actually came was a Great Moment of Existentialism and great as the awareness of survival and what many are forced by circumstance to do comes quickly sometimes.

But you aren't here for existentialism, you're here for hookers.


So


For these hookers, we need to go to the Philippines, at a bar with a patio overlooking a beautifully calm and pristine lake.

(Ed:  you ever really go to the Philippines?)

With or without hallucinogenic assistance?

(Ed:  without)

No.

(Ed:  so you make up all this shit?)

Yup.

(Ed:  so it's all a lie?)

All of it?

(Ed:  yes, all of it.)

No, not all of it.


So we get to this bar and head for the patio because it's so damn hot over there and the hookers are really expensive in any place with air conditioning.

(Ed:  is that true?)

No idea.


So there we are at the patio and we see some other Army guys at one of the tables and we all say to each other, "Hey, bro."

Being bros has nothing to do with the military but rather we're all stoners and they're blowin' a monster spliff.

(Ed:  bullshit.  There are no Army bases in the Philippines.)

Lots of military stoners, tho.

(Ed:  true dat)


So we ask these guys what kind of action is about which translates in English to 'where are the hookers' and we know this because everything in Army language translates to 'where are the hookers?'

The guy at the other table points to a basket on the tablet so I've got to see what's in there and I open it.  There are ducks in there.

Ducks.

(Ed:  they call the little ones ducklings)

The Rockhouse is in the city.  Big ones or little ones, they were fookin' ducks.


So I said, dude, I think you may not have heard me correctly on my previous question.

He says right away, no, no, wait.  Then he picks up the basket and carries it to the edge of the water then releases the ducklings into the lake.

So I tell him, nice ducks but this ain't resolving my libido into a pleasure dome of inconsequential and possibly medically-dangerous delight.

He tells me again, no, man.  You've got to see this.

So I sez, I already see it.  Water and ducks and ducks and water and, God, this is really turning me on.

Just then a pair of jaws rises out of the water and a big fucking alligator ate the duckling.  These huge jaws just go CHOMP and that duckling evaporates.

Fark.

He and his pals are laughing like maniacs so all I can do is stand up, salute, and say, congratulations.  You are absolutely the sickest fuck I ever met in my life.

He sez, take it easy.  You ain't seen nothin' yet.  Wait until they station you at the Pentagon.