Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Where's the Music

It's not happening yet but soon.  There is still an odd tingling in my fingers but that will probably be finished as much as possible by playing.

Stability has improved substantially but still not enough for the Galaxy Guitar.  She has to be protected if I dive and that's questionable.  It hasn't been a week since the last dive so it's a valid concern.

Note:  these dives are not of the extreme in which I think I broke a hip.  It's more a situation of losing balance and going down in a somewhat-controlled fall.  A broken hip is not such an extreme idea as also prescribed are calcium and vitamin D to hold off osteoporosis.  Who knew it affects men.

This is not whining about symptoms as I'm not sick from this but rather it's something which came as an after-effect to prescription medication.  That the after-effect continues for quite a while is what makes it personally newsworthy.

There were radical perceptual difficulties and one of the most overwhelming was the immediate belief something is going to kill me soon and it's just a matter of which thing.  That's probably true for anyone but the presence of the thinking was immediate and demanding.  It wasn't so much a fear as an inescapable presence.

More difficult to shake is the thinking whenever I'm doing one thing I should really be doing something else.  It's taken over a week to watch "Guardians of the Galaxy" and it's the same for many things.  To some extent I'm going to stay with that as the something else I should be doing is taking it easy.

There were some extreme physical situations which apparently manifested out of panic which was created by the withdrawal.  That aspect was terrifying as there was huge pressure in my head, heart banging like a jackhammer on 42nd Street, dizziness like I'm weightless.  All of these are symptoms of panic, it seems.  That there wasn't any feeling of panic is puzzling as the situation seemed matter of fact.  Yep, that whole situation was twisted out to the Moon.


So, everything is thinking toward playing again and it really doesn't matter what else I do if I'm not doing that.  There is some artificial pressure in it since I require the first try to be recorded because of its virginity.  After a long time away and coming back, there's only one coming back.  Pressure had grown way beyond manageable levels and deliberately encouraging it is ... not such a bad thing.  That will stand and it remains my intention to record whatever happens.

No comments: