Wednesday, January 9, 2013

OK, So I Dropped the Scooter - This One for Ronald

There wouldn't seem to be a story in a trip to the dentist ... unless you're on Facebook and bored out of your fookin' mind.  However, it turned out there was a story in it, after all.  So, yah, I finally dropped the scooter.  That I'm typing this tells you right off that it wasn't a bad drop as my typical condition after a drop is that I spend time in a hospital bed while doctors make fun of all the strange things I broke on my body.

Nope, this wasn't a bad drop but rather a deeply-embarrassing drop, the kind my friend, Ronald, enjoys the most.  I was stopped at the market where I intended to get some bread and potatoes, the foodstuffs appropriate to my meager means.  Once van Gogh's painting, "The Potato Eaters," was a matter of aesthetic and intellectual curiosity but now it is ...

(Ed:  Does everything have to be a fookin' art critique?  What about the drop?)

Right.

So part of motorcycle riding is the cool exit when you arrive at your destination.  This story is then an example of the other kind.  I had arrived at the market and was pleased that the dentist hadn't taken too long and I wouldn't get back home too late to talk to Cat.  I knew the market would only take a minute and I would get quickly back home.  Well, I knew this before I dropped the scooter.

In the exit from the scooter, one's left foot kicks down the kick stand while turning the handlebars and switching the key to lock them in position.  That completed, one lowers the scooter to the left onto the kick stand while removing the key and exiting to the right.  It's all very cool and looks like total Steve McQueen ... except for it being a fookin' scooter instead of a Husqvarna.  At least, it's all very cool so long as the kick stand is all the way down.

Exiting from the motorcycle is a bit like skydiving in that landing is good but landing on your feet without rolling is Steve McQueen.  If you only land and roll, it's something Elmer Fudd could do!  (Don't try to land standing up with an Army surplus parachute as you will probably break both legs.  It's only the sport parachutes that will work for that.)

So the trouble with the kick stand not being all the way down is that there is no recovery once you realise your error ... unless you can carry 135 kilos (about 300 pounds) with one hand.  When you realise it's going down you can fight for a brief minute but if you resist for too long then it will pull every muscle out of your arm.  Since that arm is held together with titanium, plastic and duct tape already, this was no decision so there was nothing for it but to let it go.

There is a second problem with dropping the scooter and that is getting it back up again.  Write your own Viagra joke, I'll skip that one.  My left arm is quite smashed so I didn't think there was much chance I would be able to lift it.  Fortunately, lifting it doesn't mean hefting it up so I can carry it on my back so it really wasn't such a terrible job to do it.  The arm hurts like a mofo now but the scooter is again roadworthy (i.e. it's balanced on its wheels rather than flopping like something the surf washed up).

Of course my arm hurts as God will sometimes save dumb asses as he gets a laugh out of watching the dumb ass stuff we do but there's a charge.  It will hurt for a few days and that's how it goes when a dumb ass does something stupid!  So, thank you, God, for a drop that keeps me humble but doesn't also result in broken bones like the other times (laughs).

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