Thursday, May 26, 2016

With Peace Comes Music, Almost Immediately

When the decision was made, I was playing again within hours.  There was more yesterday and my arms pay for it today but my fingers didn't get torn-up on the strings so the answer to the arms today is suffer, bitches, we want more.  The mostly-resolved situation with arm numbness is not what drove this and it's been a mystery as to the source the energy.


The decision is to refuse a biopsy of my lung which was indicated based on the most-recent scan of my right lung.  There was a known problem from several years ago and they wanted to biopsy that as well but they waved it off that time and I had nothing to do with it.

The growth is evidence for their justification and that's clear but far less clear is the potential efficacy of the procedure.  There is no indication of efficacy from medical people for whom the only route is cut it and then we will know.


In the view here at the Rockhouse, that's primal caveman thinking.  Gronk must save life.

Gronk doesn't consider he takes whatever remains of life trying to save it.  Medical education is rarely sufficient for dealing with such matters since training, ego, and many things compel them to keep trying even when someone is obviously dying.  We must grow faster than medical ethics and we will.


I was furious with doctors when my ol' Mother was trying to escape to freedom and I felt, wrongly, I should contain it because Queen Bee was the familial spokesperson.  Even when it was nearly impossible to revive her, they were still sticking her with needles and they obviously caused discomfort but they did not rouse her.  Quietly, the only thought was can't you sick Gronks at least leave her with her dignity.  She only wants to get free.

Note:  my family didn't understand at all when I said everyone is free now after she died.  It wasn't joy but rather peace because I knew beyond even my slightest doubt she was ready and she didn't want to screw around with some big deal around it anyway.  We had talked at good length several times not long before she died and I knew she was ok as her life had been immense.  Talking with her about growing up in China showed universes likely few of us will ever know.


Briefly on the logic:  after the biopsy, they won't stop.  As with the skin cancer, one procedure only leads to another one.  I am continuing with the skin cancer surgeries because the result is immediate and obviously preventive.  Neither of those are true for lung surgery.

There's a bad chance the lung will collapse if it's opened and the detail is clear but no reason to go deeply into it.  Call that a week in the hospital before I'm marginally functional again during which time other things break, etc, etc.  You know how that goes and I'm sure you have seen it in your own lives.


Any reduction to lung capacity will get me on oxygen tanks shortly after.  That's death because practically everything is impossible with those damn things.  The immediate and definite resolution to coming to that point is carbon monoxide because it's painless, easy, and doesn't require an accomplice.  That has been researched and that was my final answer.  This is not a suicide threat because I would already have done it.

The long-term aspect isn't that long because lung capacity is limited enough to be severely-debilitating.  People thought Alex was being dramatic and maybe that was some of it but mostly it's not.  The situation is you can do some particular thing but you will be gasping for air before you get anywhere near the end of it.  The hell of it is nicotine will scream all the louder, I can help with that.


Maybe this is creepy to you but I don't see it that way as I'm willing to live stream that situation on YouTube.  That may not hold as the general thinking is to start up a video from something in which I felt I did a good job, catch some kind of a buzz checking it out, and fade to black.  That has the elegance and no-one goes to jail for it but it lacks the sharing which has meaning because even the idea of it freaks people so much.

That kind of discussion could be novel as there's no judgment to it because the situation is obviously creepy but whether this or that makes it creepier could be interesting for who knows what reason.


Do not read this as some pseudo-liberal crapola about finding an alternative in amygdalin, apricot pits, or the latest rage from pale, skinny, completely psycho health food nuts.  If you ever need to know about a health food store, take a quick gander at the people coming out of it.  You seriously want to end up like that?

(Ed:  stolen from George Carlin?)

Probably.


The positive moves are clear:  do whatever is possible to reduce smoking.  It's been extremely difficult for fifty years and it doesn't make any difference if you smoked a carton a day but you quit.  I'm glad you did it but sit your ass down because it doesn't fix me.

The other is the music and love reads the same way because it is the music, everything else is just words.  Music and love make the light for which Dick Gregory reminded the other day, if your light isn't enough to brighten the darkness then bring more of it.  Of course he meant louder, right?

Note:  I mean no disrespect.  I love the man and he speaks absolute truth.


The only thing my ol' Dad ever asked when we talked on the phone was whether I'm playing.  The stroke blew out some things but he was aware of so many others.

So, yah, ol' Dad, just now I can say I am.  It doesn't go for anywhere near long enough but who else knows so well how that goes.  So long as the continuity is there in the lead work, the music lives.

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