Truckers Who Race Each Other on the Interstate
We have all seen what happens when one trucker is driving his city block-length vehicle at one half a kilometer per hour faster than another city block-length vehicle. Right. One starts 'racing' the other in a sports epic which needs forever to resolve and idiots in cages behind them crash into one another while they jockey with each other until they can get past.
Those truckers should get to watch a trucker race of their own ... from underneath it while a couple of huge Mack trucks drive over the top of them and squash them into the tarmac.
Singers
No, not all of them but rather the legion of singers who all sound the same and there's no way to differentiate them beyond whether they have big or little boobs. They sing of how they're hip to so many things but mostly they're hip to boobs and how much people like to look at them.
Put them all in a gigantic karaoke machine and spin it so fast the lot of them turn into an amorphous goo which, with the miracle of autotune, can still crank out Adele songs and pretend it's Streisand.
Vandals Who Change Highway Warning Signs
It's all a giggle when you change the sign from 'Warning: Icy Road' to 'Watch Out for Dragons Ahead' but it loses that comic zing when yer ol' Mother gets crushed by a lorry driver on that road because he was not aware of the ice. Dragons he has seen before.
Maybe wire these buzzards to the same warning sign so we can electrocute him with it to show this is what we do to selfish children who screw with kit they shouldn't be touching.
(Ed: most of those signs are made with Photoshop!)
Unknown how many are not. Juice 'em and let the electrician sort it out.
Pundits
Let's start with Wolf Blitzer as the Nancy Grace of international news, particularly plane crashes, since he can make a melodrama out of a kid making an ant farm. We will include Rachel Maddow because she's smart enough to know to distance herself from the pundits the hoi polloi so fancy but she's still a pundit playing to an audience and giving them what they want to hear.
Put the lot of them into a gigantic place surrounded by loudspeakers which read "1984" to them over and over until their ears melt and they beg for forgiveness. We won't hear them, tho, since we read it long ago.
People Who Make Conversation in Toilets
No matter how well we know you, there's no need for discussion of anything beyond the presence or absence of toilet paper in any given facility. After that simple matter, all of us are familiar with the task to be performed and none of us, except George Michael, have any interest in hearing about anyone else's experiences at that time.
Lock such people in a large, enclosed area, covered in white tiles and with urinals on all of the walls which auto-flush constantly and, over it all, is a radio broadcast filled nothing but old Wham! songs at volume too high to permit casual conversation. Leave them there to try to talk to each other; we don't care what happens to them and we definitely don't want to ask.
We have all seen what happens when one trucker is driving his city block-length vehicle at one half a kilometer per hour faster than another city block-length vehicle. Right. One starts 'racing' the other in a sports epic which needs forever to resolve and idiots in cages behind them crash into one another while they jockey with each other until they can get past.
Those truckers should get to watch a trucker race of their own ... from underneath it while a couple of huge Mack trucks drive over the top of them and squash them into the tarmac.
Singers
No, not all of them but rather the legion of singers who all sound the same and there's no way to differentiate them beyond whether they have big or little boobs. They sing of how they're hip to so many things but mostly they're hip to boobs and how much people like to look at them.
Put them all in a gigantic karaoke machine and spin it so fast the lot of them turn into an amorphous goo which, with the miracle of autotune, can still crank out Adele songs and pretend it's Streisand.
Vandals Who Change Highway Warning Signs
It's all a giggle when you change the sign from 'Warning: Icy Road' to 'Watch Out for Dragons Ahead' but it loses that comic zing when yer ol' Mother gets crushed by a lorry driver on that road because he was not aware of the ice. Dragons he has seen before.
Maybe wire these buzzards to the same warning sign so we can electrocute him with it to show this is what we do to selfish children who screw with kit they shouldn't be touching.
(Ed: most of those signs are made with Photoshop!)
Unknown how many are not. Juice 'em and let the electrician sort it out.
Pundits
Let's start with Wolf Blitzer as the Nancy Grace of international news, particularly plane crashes, since he can make a melodrama out of a kid making an ant farm. We will include Rachel Maddow because she's smart enough to know to distance herself from the pundits the hoi polloi so fancy but she's still a pundit playing to an audience and giving them what they want to hear.
Put the lot of them into a gigantic place surrounded by loudspeakers which read "1984" to them over and over until their ears melt and they beg for forgiveness. We won't hear them, tho, since we read it long ago.
People Who Make Conversation in Toilets
No matter how well we know you, there's no need for discussion of anything beyond the presence or absence of toilet paper in any given facility. After that simple matter, all of us are familiar with the task to be performed and none of us, except George Michael, have any interest in hearing about anyone else's experiences at that time.
Lock such people in a large, enclosed area, covered in white tiles and with urinals on all of the walls which auto-flush constantly and, over it all, is a radio broadcast filled nothing but old Wham! songs at volume too high to permit casual conversation. Leave them there to try to talk to each other; we don't care what happens to them and we definitely don't want to ask.
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