Monday, June 9, 2014

The Evolution of the Titanian Fishlizard

The sound of all the Republicans flip-flopping on Bergdahl reminded me of the Titanian Fishlizard as they are similar to Republicans in their desire to control you but they go a step beyond and they will eat your children if you piss them off.  Fracking for oil is bad but having your children eaten by fishlizards is probably worse.  I can't say for sure which is worse as I don't know your children.

In speaking with a Republican friend yesterday, I discovered the thinking that the Titanian fishlizards, assuming they pose a threat, will have to be eliminated.  He said the same thing about Muslims and that hasn't exactly worked out so well.  There is a bigger problem now, however.  The thinking that humans are more advanced than Titanian fishlizards, from an evolutionary perspective, is more than optimistic, it's on the level of believing 'voodoo economics' can actually work.

Human evolution wasted a lot of time solving problems that were not important to the advancement of civilization.  For example, the invention of shoes does little to impress a fish.  Humans spent so much time adapting to life on land because there so many mandatory changes.  We had to learn how to climb trees, how to run fast, and how to make aluminum cans to leave on the beach.  The Titanian fishlizards didn't have to do any of this.

It is an important caution to drop any fixation on the course of human evolution as an anthropocentric view may prevent acceptance of alternative models.  The human hand is an extraordinary mechanical device but the evolution of appendages to do clever things is not unique to humans.  An octopus doesn't have only two hands but rather eight and all with a high level of tactile sensitivity and capability.  So it was in the course of the evolution of the Titanian Fishlizard.  Even though it evolved in a liquid environment it still evolved appendages capable of complex tasks and, what's more, they evolved much faster than with humans.  While humans had been tool users for about one hundred thousand years, Titanian fishlizards had been using tools for well over a million.

There is no problem at this time as the fishlizards are content to stay where they are, practicing the Ancient Rites as passed down in the Gospel of the Fishlizard.  There is talk among younger fishlizards that the Gospel of the Fishlizard is rubbish, that fishlizards are destined to burst forth and explore the Cosmos and trade with other civilizations.  The Elders do not tolerate much of this talk as they know well if humans ever come to Titan then soon their beautiful oceans will be full of plastic soda bottles.

Still there is time to reconsider the ill-advised NASA mission to Titan for surely the peril of opening the world of Titanian fishlizards to the solar system invites the same thing that happened with China.  American jobs will be outsourced and there will be no jobs left except as car washers for rich fishlizards.  This is much as it is now except these lizards are much more vicious and tend to eat employees they don't like.

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