Thursday, August 18, 2016

Anxious About the Anxiety Medication, Buspirone

The stuff appears to be benign insofar as it's not an SSRI med as those are mind cancer and it's not some opiated down which only takes you closer to death.  I'm not just anxious about these drugs, I'm flat out afraid of them because they fuck up your mind and turn it off.

(Ed:  ganja fucks up your mind!)

In fact, it doesn't and I wouldn't use it if it did.  It expands the vibes and think of it as making more frequencies visible but it doesn't lead me to think anything I wouldn't have thought anyway.

(Ed:  self-rewarding delusion!)

Perhaps but you see the articles I write and sometimes people may contest a point but they rarely contest the premise, etc.  There's been no protest of this makes no sense, you're fucking crazy.  The reality is I become slowly not crazy after a lifetime of general madness, little of which had anything to do with drugs.

"I don't do nothin'
which my spirit could kill."

- Steppenwolf

In fact, there was the family classic of flipping on some acid because 'I could not figure anything out' and that was dead accurate.  It remained true for decades until things started making any serious sense.  Some things did but most of that was algorithmic in science and, except for a rare few, I had no idea what people would do, what effect things I do may have on them, or anything of that nature.  To my eternal shame and regret, some of you know all too painfully how that goes.  That has nothing to do with the last eight years in which I was cast as a monster but Cat and I don't even talk anymore about the idiotic warning she got.


I told Cadillac Man the other day there may be a fair case for autism as the sibs may remember when Joy K came to the house and y'all clustered around to meet her but I wouldn't even come around the corner of the house.  The crushing shyness is something I've never really understood but it exists and I've developed some impressive covers.  Wearing my manager kit I can project my voice like a Hollywood champion.  I can do that from the stage as well but you will never hear it in a native sense unless something has ferociously pissed me off and I learned a long time ago to keep that bitch in a box.  You let that dog out and there will be hell to pay, something's going to break.

I've thought for a long time as well that everyone is acting and only a rare few are not.  That belief hasn't changed at all and getting anywhere really close to me is as difficult as I can make it.

(Ed:  you just rationalize ganja with autism!)

Perhaps so but my view is it's a counter to it.  Besides I didn't have reefer when the shyness may have been at its worst.  Meeting people is personal combat because I really, really don't want to do it.  Friends learned a long time ago as well they could invite me to things but I probably wouldn't show up.

One of Lotho's favorite mantras is 'figure it out' and three words say it perfectly, particularly when the only alternative is whining.  The point is important when solving immediate problems but the overall problem of Life, the Universe, and Everything didn't make sense for decades and I tried and tried to figure it out but it never came out right.  Nothing really balanced and nothing really worked despite whatever glitz may have grown around it.

Only recently has come the peace to find any kind of clarity but that was about the same time the country went hysterically berserk with the election and then I just threw up my hands.  Christ!  Could we just have a little peace for a little while.  How difficult can that possibly be for people to put down the guns when they really don't want to get shot anyway.


My writing is non-linear and the next part happened about half an hour ago.  What if the candor is drug-induced.  I'm fucking serious.  I hate that shit and always have.  I ate one Quaalude in my life and I hated it.


My answer is to take half a tab and see what happens.  If it knocks me out I'll be pissed because that kind of sleep is even more worthless than broken sleep and it usually leaves you dazed on awakening.  I don't regard that as medicine but poison.


So, there we go ... half a tab.

Articles will likely stop soon anyway because I hope to talk to Cat relatively soon and I pay no attention to the computer when we talk.  For me is disrespectful to do that.


My interest is in whether there is any reduction to Tweeting articles about this or that.  My interests are many and the science articles are genuinely exciting in revelations of the directions in various fields.  That turns me on in a big way because the Web is so saturated with glum and bummed or, as I saw this morning, they get giddy over a pair of sandals (shrug).  There's great maybe joy to see strong statements from people on this is what we're doing and this is where we're going.  There's so damn little of that anywhere it really does excite me.  Yes, yes, do more of this!

I don't post all of the Science Daily links I see since some of them are so far up in the scientific stratosphere I have no hope of grasping the content or, as often in the case of materials science, I'm just not interested even though they do some fantastically complicated sciencing to pull it off.

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