Mister Archibald Rabbit always had two thoughts in mind when he awoke each morning. He wanted to find some lettuce and he wanted to find a girl rabbit as he had loved and mounted so many in his life and had no doubt in him that he had the capacity in his heart and his rabbit loins to love and mount many, many more. If he could eat some lettuce at the same time as he was mounting a girl rabbit then so much the better. His whiskers twitched in anticipation. His rabbit life was good.
He looked about his burrow before going out in search of lettuce and girls and decided he should wear his yellow week-end waistcoat with the lettuce-coloured buttons along with his RayBans. To make his outfit complete he selected a blue hat with bright orange carrots all around the hatband. He paused one more time and just before stepping out he selected a bright red cane to make his outfit perfect. Mister Archibald Rabbit was quite the rabbit dandy.
As luck and divine rabbit Providence would have it, Mister Archibald ran into Miss Lily Rabbit not so far from his burrow. She was wearing an aqua outfit with green sequins and he thought she looked just delightful. Of course, he thought every girl rabbit looked delightful and he greeted her with a cheery and hopeful hello. She said before he had a chance to say another word, "Don't get your hopes up, Archibald."
He asked immediately, "What troubles you, dear lady?"
Just as immediately she responded, "I'm troubled that you think I'm easy."
Archibald thought for a moment and said, "Of course you're easy. You're a rabbit!"
Just at that moment, there was a popping sound in the distance that scared both of them and they quickly hopped under a nearby bush where luck and more divine rabbit Providence placed them in quite pleasant proximity to each other. Despite the way their fur was mingling, both thought of nothing other than what could be making the noise.
"What on Earth could be making that sound, Archibald. It think those were guns." Miss Lily looked at Mister Archibald, her whiskers twitching ever so nervously as she waited for his thoughts.
"I don't know, Miss Lily. It does sound like shooting but none of us have seen any hunters." Having answered her question, Archibald's fears dissipated quickly and his thoughts turned again to mounting her. Archibald was a very shallow rabbit.
"Do you think this is what caused the deaths of the badgers over by Wickham's Creek? There were six of them and some of them were very young. Mister Jonathan Rabbit said he saw it happen and there was a popping sound but he didn't see any hunters anywhere. Most of the badgers weren't killed but instead bled to death. He was in tears when he told me about it and he just couldn't understand how it could happen."
Turning his thoughts back to the moment, Mister Archibald said, "Perhaps this is something new, Miss Lily. Instead of mounting, let us seek Mister Samuel Badger as he is very wise and perhaps he already knows what is doing it."
The two set off to see Mister Samuel but it didn't take long to find him as everyone knew him and knew where he lived. Mister Samuel was old and wise but he could be grouchy as he didn't like to be bothered with stupid questions. On arriving, Mister Archibald knocked tentatively at the door to Mister Samuel's burrow and waited to see what would happen next.
Without opening the door, Mister Samuel asked grumpily, "Who is there and what do you want?"
A bit intimidated but undaunted, Mister Archibald replied, "I am Archibald Rabbit with Lily Rabbit and we want to ask you about some sounds we heard that made us quite afraid."
Again without opening the door, Mister Samuel said just as grumpily, "Of course you are afraid. You are rabbits!"
Ignoring the comment, Mister Archibald said, "We heard popping sounds that might have been guns but there are no hunters anywhere to be seen."
Mister Samuel opened the door and asked, "Where did this happen and how long ago?"
Miss Lily answered, "It was only a few minutes ago and quite close to my burrow. What could it have been?"
Mister Samuel did little to settle her mind when he told her, "You are right that those were guns but they weren't carried by hunters. The bullets come from the sky. This has been happening fairly often lately and I have been giving much thought to what might be doing it but still I do not know."
Mister Samuel paused for a full minute and then said to them, "Do come in and have some tea with me while I think more on this matter."
Mister Archibald saw his thoughts of mounting were dashed as it was very bad form to decline an invitation from a badger but when a badger stops to think about something it may be several hours before he ends his deliberations. He and Miss Lily went inside to join Mister Samuel for some tea.
Meanwhile, miles away at Badger Command Headquarters, a corporal sat in front of a control console lit with all manner of complex displays to signify the activity of the drone flights which were currently operational. It had been a long work shift but an effective one and he was happy to have done his part to rid his country of the threat of badgers. As he had learned during his training, badgers were hosts to bovine tuberculosis which could infect and kill cattle. This presented a grave threat to the livelihood of many people and he felt it his duty to play his part in ending that threat.
The Operations Officer did his rounds before the shift was over and stopped to ask the corporal of the operational status this morning. The corporal cheerily answered him, "Sir, the BKR has been ..."
"Don't talk to me in acronyms, Corporal. Speak English!"
"I'm sorry, sir. The BKR is the Badger Kill Ratio and it remains much higher than we were achieving with human hunters. More often than not the human hunters would miss but the drones get a hit almost every time. The BBC has been excellent."
"Acronyms, Corporal. Damn your acronyms!"
"I'm sorry, sir. We used these acronyms frequently in training. BBC is the Badger Body Count."
"Do you remain confident that the drones are accomplishing humane kills, Corporal?"
The corporal had no idea of the humaneness of the kills but he did know the statistics reported back by the drones which were, not surprisingly, excellent. "Yes, sir. We have every indication of quick and immediate kills for all badgers and we believe this is largely attributable to the thoroughness of the BVR tech ..."
"Corporal, I am telling you for the last bloody time about acronyms!" The Operations Officer was getting genuinely angry as he really loathed lingo and he particularly loathed acronyms. He knew he wouldn't last long in the military with that kind of thinking but he didn't care as he hated it. He had only joined because his father insisted it was important to uphold the family tradition.
"Again I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again. BVR is Badger Video Recognition. Each drone is equipped with cameras and recognition technology that matches the fur pattern of the target animal to confirm it truly is a badger before it opens fire."
"Submit your report for the turnover to the next shift and then you may be dismissed for this day. Thank you, Corporal." The Operations Officer retired to the treasured silence of his office where he could play with Facebook and cheerfully accomplish nothing useful at all.
Back at Mister Samuel's burrow, there was a quick knocking at the door and the excited call from a badger Mister Archibald didn't know, "Mister Samuel, Mister Samuel!"
Mister Samuel opened the door and said, again grumpily, "Calm yourself, Mister Harrington Badger. Where is your dignity?"
Mister Harrington said right away without slowing down, "Yes, sir. I have news. I was in an open field with three friends. There was a popping sound. It came from the sky. All of my friends ..."
Mister Samuel, growing increasingly grumpy, said, "Mister Harrington, you are young but that is not a good reason for this delivery. You must learn there is no reason without deliberation. You are a badger and you must act like one."
Still not slowing down, Mister Harrington said, "But, Mister Samuel, all of my friends were shot but I wasn't. I wasn't!"
Mister Samuel said sadly, "This is very bad news, Mister Harrington. I caution you again to think clearly. Did any of your friends survive, why do you think you were not shot, and why are you so muddy?"
"No, sir. All of them were wounded and I thought they might live but slowly each one slipped away. I tried to help but there was nothing I could do." Harrington slowed down as he thought back to the tragedy of losing his friends and then said slowly, "I don't know why they didn't shoot me and I got muddy because I fell into the mud in a pond near the field and my friends wouldn't wait for me to clean myself. I had to tell you what happened as quickly as possible so I did not stop."
"I understand, young Mister Harrington. You are young and you will learn our badger ways but I understand your haste. Let us take some time now to deliberate and consider what we have learned."
Mister Archibald was alternating between the news of the moment and again thoughts of mounting Miss Lily so he was getting a bit agitated but he knew it would be an exceptionally bad idea to interrupt Mister Samuel's thinking, especially when it was such a serious matter.
After a time, Mister Samuel looked deeply at Mister Harrington and announced, "I believe whatever is in the sky can see us. We already know it likes to shoot badgers so it must be able to see our stripes. When your stripes were obscured by the mud, it did not think you were a badger. I shall report this to the Badger Council immediately and of course I will tell my colleagues that you brought the information, Mister Harrington. Thank you."
Unfortunately for the badgers, the relieving corporal for the next shift saw the mistake the badger drone had made and slowly deduced what must have happened. The Operations Officer made his rounds shortly thereafter to confirm a proper turnover to the relieving shift as he would be relieved only when that turnover was successfully completed.
The corporal reported to him, "We have an anomaly, sir. A badger was spotted by the drone but the badger was not terminated. It appears we have a problem with the BDA."
"Good Lord, Corporal. Must I deal with another set of bloody acronyms with every bloody shift?"
Recognising immediately this idiosyncrasy in his commanding officer, the corporal immediately corrected himself, "Sorry, sir. BDA is the Badger Differentiation Algorithm and it uses multiple parameters to determine the target animal is, in fact, a badger. The algorithm uses size, shape, and fur pattern to make the decision and then executes the terminate decision. In this case, the anomaly arose because the badger had mud on its fur and the fur pattern could not be discerned."
"What is your recommendation, Corporal," asked the Operations Officer.
"Sir, I suggest modifying the specifications to the Badger Differentiation Algorithm to reduce or remove the importance of the fur pattern and make the decision based on size and shape. There may be some collateral damage but it is not likely to be significant. Should I proceed, sir. The change can be made dynamically to all operational badger drones."
Infinitely tired of this loathsome job, the Operations Officer replied without seriously thinking, "The change is authorised, Corporal. Note this in the Operations Log and proceed."
While the discussion was taking place at Badger Command Headquarters, Mister Samuel Badger was reporting to the Badger Council on his thought that obscuring the badger's characteristic stripes might well prevent them from being shot. The Council then began deliberations as to what might be the best way to accomplish this. It was not the badger's way to do anything quickly and without good reason but they knew full well the danger of dawdling. Nevertheless, they considered the matter at length as a bad decision would mean the loss of yet more badgers to the evil in the sky.
At Badger Command Headquarters, the change to the Badger Differentiation Algorithm was implemented very quickly as the badger drones were designed to be updated dynamically. Almost as soon as the change was made, the statistics from all of the badger drones started pouring in as they were reporting successful terminations all over the country. The duty corporals at their control consoles saw very soon there was a major problem and tried to stop it but found the badger drones would not respond to their orders. In fairly short order, there was a great clamouring at the door of the Operations Officer.
Ever so tired of inane interruptions, the Operations Officer regretfully tore himself away from a lewd private chat he had been having with someone who called herself Lily Langtree on Facebook. He never discovered that Lily was sixty rather than thirty and the picture she had posted of herself was of someone she had seen in a magazine but that no longer mattered as soon as he was apprised of the situation by his duty corporals.
When he opened his office door was met by all of the corporals crying out of the emergency in progress. "Sir, sir. The badger drones are killing everything in sight. They are shooting dogs, cats, foxes, anything with four legs and about the same size as a badger!"
"Well, why don't you bloody stop them!" The Operations Officer maintained his composure but the situation was mad and he knew that he and his staff would be burned at the stake by every animal rights group in the country.
"Sir, we can't stop them. There is so much message traffic incoming from the badger drones that we cannot send control information back out to them. They will not stop!"
"So what the bloody hell will stop them?" The Operations Officer immediately understood the severity of the emergency and wanted a fast answer to anything that might correct it.
"Sir, we have talked about it among ourselves and we believe there is only one clear answer."
Irritated by any delay, the Operations Officer barked, "Spit it out, man. What the bloody hell is it?"
"Sir, the badger drones will not stop until they run out of fuel or run out of bullets and both are in large supply on all of them. The only way remaining to stop them is to send out the flying military drones to shoot down the flying badger drones."
The Operations Officer saw he had no choice and said with great reluctance, "The operation is so ordered. Shoot them down."
What could go wrong.
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