Sunday, April 6, 2014

Computer Palmistry in the Brave New World

My activity with computers began seriously just before 1980 and when the Web came around some years later some demented ideas started fermenting themselves.  I spoke with my brother-in-law on this and found him as enthusiastic as I about the primary purpose of computers:  making a lot of money without doing very much.

Computer Palmistry emerged as the most practical (i.e. laziest) solution we could devise.  The plan was to place ads in the National Enquirer, a sleazy tabloid with an enormous circulation, to tell people of our offer to them on our services for computer palmistry.  The thinking was the standard spam logic:  it doesn't matter if 99% ignore you as, with that circulation, you can still make a killing with sales to the other 1%.

The pitch was that people should use a Xerox machine to make an image of the hand.  That, along with a nominal donation of $25.00 for shipping and handling (cough), and we would scan this image on our high-power computers then subject it to an intensive, algorithmic, and, holistic spiritual analysis by our Computer Oracle.  The results would be returned to the email address provided.  It is important to include 'holistic' in the description as people sometimes think it has something to do with religion.

The only Computer Oracle would have been a short utility that used a randomizer to select some selection of nebulous projections for the future.  It doesn't matter if it has any validity as there was no money-back guarantee anyway.  What must be prevented is investigation for fraud so there has to be at least a veneer of credible process.

Unfortunately for my brother-in-law and I, conscience started into the plan and then it fell apart.  However, it didn't stop a billion other people and that's how the Internet you see today was born.  Originally it was a place of sharing and no-one was trying to turn it into just another damn shopping mall ... but then the Computer Palmistry experts got into it.

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