How to Sell Waffles in Colorado

Eureka!

After blowing a joint, maybe you think about the great mysteries of the Universe, the magical panorama of Mozart's music ... or maybe think about getting some waffles.

Mostly you think about getting some waffles.  This is one of the complex philosophical problems of the Universe and is the Waffle Conundrum which, simply put, is when you get so wasted that you might like some waffles but you're too wasted to make them yourself.

Note:  you can always use 'simply put' as an easy way to make yourself sound superior even when you're some stoner bum talking about waffles.


In Colorado, the Waffle Conundrum is solved as there you can blow a joint right there in the Reefer House nee Waffle House.  Catch that fine Rocky Mountain High and then stuff your face with waffles, all without getting out of your chair.

There's only one problem:  the stoners won't go home.  Reefer House employees beg them to at least go home to get a shower once in a while and sometimes that works ... if they're not too stoned.

Rewriting the Republican Dictionary

Talking with Republicans is like asking a goldfish about the weather, it has no idea.  As a general class, Republicans have a slightly larger vocabulary than Groot and it expresses this way:

Republicans are good.
Liberals are bad.
Money is good regardless of how you get it.

After the third line, they run out of material and start over again at the top.  If you're going to visit with Republicans, take a lot of alcohol or don't go.

It's like a Taylor Swift song without the mechano drum track as there's nothing left except an insipid voice which keeps saying the same things.


Note:  Groot appeared in "Guardians of the Galaxy" but, if Republicans will try to save the Galaxy, even Groot won't be able to help.  After all, look at what they have done to save the Earth (i.e. nothing).

If you think of the Galaxy as an Alaskan oil field, you should have some idea what will be left of it after Republicans get hold of it.


Republicans fail to understand a society is of no more consequence than its art as usually that's the only thing which will be left after you're gone.  We don't understand why Egyptians thought pyramids were arty but these are the same people who today routinely practice clitorectomy on little girls so we don't have a problem with using Egypt for nuclear field testing.

Note:  clitorectomy is not a direct consequence of Islam but rather it reflects subjugation of women in Africa which came from tribal times.  However, Islam did not let this medieval practice go and Egypt, despite its appearance of modernity, is one of the most biologically brutal countries on the planet.  In short, this does not mean clitorectomy is practiced wherever Islam manifests itself as that is not true but it is not rejected where it is currently practiced and this results in three million or more clitorectomies per year.

For brutality toward women, even Republicans can't match the Muslims of Africa.


Art in America now is Taylor Swift doing milquetoast covers of Paula Abdul songs or Robert Downey Jr making yet another Marvel comic into a movie.  Welcome to the GOP.

Note:  America has made some exceptional art but whether any of that will be remembered under the deluge of mediocrity now is questionable.


(Ed:  you write as if America is already gone)

You think it's not?  Take another look at Donald Trump  (laughs).


Here at the Rockhouse, we are regarding Donald Trump as the finest example yet of an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) and this is why much of his support comes from Democrats who send him money because it's funny to see him think the support is serious.  The plan was he would get to the GOP convention and then explode in twenty megatons of Trumpian arrogance but it's going even better than that as he doesn't even believe he needs the Republicans anymore and has said he will start the Trump Party instead.

So, keep sending those campaign dollars to Donald Trump.  There is nothing more effective you can do to irritate the ones who call themselves 'real' Republicans (i.e. the ones who call themselves financial conservatives as if this absolves them from all the horrors the party commits).


And even if Trump wins, it could still be worse.  It could have been Santorum.  He would be the first President who needed a babysitter for late nights.

Will I Go to Hell for Using Back Tracks, Mom

Back tracks are prepared ahead of a live show and they're made by recording whatever instruments you like to make a tasty mix but you leave out the parts you will do live.  For my purposes, it's often good to make tracks with organ, bass, and drums.  Those get mixed down to a single stereo track and then I can call it for a show and play the guitar live with that backup.

Some say that's not live and you will burn in eternal hellfire for doing it.  Amazing how many tour guides one can find for hell when no-one has ever seen the place.

So I wouldn't worry too much about burning in hell for it ... but ... there are better reasons for thinking twice about using tracks, as in reasons which actually matter to the performance.  How you deal with your immortal soul is your own problem.


The peril in using the back tracks is the loss of 'liveness' and an inevitable progression which will result in your spending the rest of your miserable life as an amphibian.

The advantage of the back tracks is it makes you sound just as cool as you ever wanted to be as now your Pepsi is all full of bubbles.  The parts are as clean as you can play them.  They're mixed just right and your band is ready for some whoop-ass.

Except the back track will be exactly the same as the last time you used it.  Maybe that's not a killer if you go full maniac over the top of it but there is a huge potential for the same ol', same ol' even if it's your own same ol', same ol' otherwise.


After about nine years of this and hundreds of online gigs, I can tell you for sure I have no idea of the right answer as there isn't one.  It's almost always a good idea to keep things varying or your audience won't come back so likely your best move if you're really burning to use same tracks is that you do it but keep level about it.  You run a big risk of being a CD if you do your whole set with tracks.

(Ed:  CD?)

Round, plastic thing.  Dorks cut them up and make desk fans out of them.  Prevalent in the early 21st Century.


So ... unless you can bring a whole lot of 'live' to your back tracks, good chance they will eat you.  Some performers are good at it but beware of the risk.


For my own set, I'm working up some back tracks now.  The reason is my looper is seriously sick.  I really don't like using back tracks but they do make for a set which hops and hops fast.  You know how it goes, tho, as recording tracks couldn't be less live if there were coffins in the studio.  The Looper Dilemma is its own article as there's no good answer but that's the reason for getting interested again in tracks whereas otherwise I would not use them.

Why You Always Wanted a Ferrari (video)

While one Ferrari is good, forty of them will make anything even better, particularly when all of them have 12-cylinder motors making 730 horsepower and have a top speed of 227 mph.  That would look impressive anywhere but for fantastic go to Nürburgring ... at top speed.

Ferrari not only sells these cars but teaches the richies how to drive them.  It's a stylish commitment when the manufacturer ensures the drivers are capable of handling the machines.


As to that love of cars business, I'll buy it when we're talking about a Ferrari but who will fall in love with a Buick sedan.  I don't love the car.  I love that I don't get wet when I go to buy a pack of cigarettes.

Most things about the car are annoying but at least it doesn't have that I'm Not Gay exhaust note favored for Mustangs and many pickup trucks.  Those boys will break down and weep if they ever hear twelve cylinders really hammering.

If someone has fallen in love with his or her Honda Accord, we're thinking that's one pitiful, love-starved li'l beastie.  That's the same as falling in love with a dishwasher.

It's One Thing To Be a Dumb Ass

It's another thing to brag about being a dumb ass.  Todd Fassler was bitten by a rattlesnake after trying to take a selfie with said snake.  Possibly this is sufficient evidence he is a dumb ass.

In case you're not sure, Todd Fassler has now posted a hospital bill for $153,000 due to said selfie-driven rattlesnake bite.  There's the brag for the big score.  (Washington Post: This $153,000 rattlesnake bite is everything wrong with American health care)

For the dumb ass trifecta, we have Christopher Ingraham using the matter for a discussion of what's wrong with health care.

Say there, Chris.  Boobie.  Let's review.  Rattlesnakes bite.  A rattlesnake bit Todd Fassler.  Unless Todd Fassler did not know rattlesnakes bite then I submit this is reasonable and sufficient evidence he is a dumb ass.  Therefore, I further submit the problem is only secondarily one of exorbitant costs in the medical system and is primarily a problem with fucking idiots.


Even though Todd Fassler is a dumb ass, we wouldn't wish a rattlesnake bite on anyone ... except people who post pictures of themselves as a couple for profile pictures in online networks.  Definitely chuck them into a pit full of snakes.  If they post pictures of their kid as a profile pic instead, chuck the kid in with them.  These people should not reproduce.

Only My Hairdresser Knows for Sure

Billions of dollars and he's too cheap to use anything but a cellphone camera.  Pfft.


One thing we know for sure is we don't want to know what the hairdresser knows for sure.  The picture does confirm the importance of good dental hygiene, however.  That's the message we get from this picture:  floss regularly.


These girls have resolved to take a selfie with every Presidential candidate thus proving they have nothing at all to do with their time, they have lots of money, and they will look like Mother Teresa before they get finished.  There are at least fourteen Republican candidates already and more every time they pass a truck stop.


There's more good news as Tom Cruise has entered the race and he asks the vitally-important question:  there has been a Catholic in the White House so why not a Scientologist?


While this is something for the girls to do on their summer vacation, they don't realize this is also something for Donald Trump to do on his summer vacation.  He doesn't care if he wins, he just doesn't have anything better to do.  He spends some money, gets his name in the paper ... he's happy.  Look how he smiles.  If he ever has to do anything more substantive than taking pictures with wayward bimbos, he may not be quite so amused.

Russian Bomber Pilots Speak Better English than Americans

The Pentagon reports on incursions by Russian military pilots into NATO airspace and the multiple complaints from American pilots about them.  The primary complaint from the U.S. pilots is the Russians are using some type of letter-substitution code which results in a different word for everything.

(Ed:  let me guess.  The code is Russian?)

Yes.  Advise the Pentagon of this fact and you could be the next head of the CIA.


The American military is one of the greatest triumphs of the U.S. educational system as, if the system really educated anyone, such a huge military would not be necessary because no-one would take such shit jobs if they had ever been trained in anything useful.

It's somewhat different with pilots as they're just happy they finally convinced someone to let them fly multi-million-dollar aircraft so they usually won't say too much so long as we let them keep playing with these great toys.

That people consider ability as a fighter pilot to be qualification to be an American President shows not so many people watched "Top Gun."  Either that or they think Tom Cruise would be a great choice to run the free world.  That theory sure came up roses with the Bush family, didn't it.


(Ed:  George Bush makes you think of Tom Cruise?)

George Bush makes me think of Andy Devine.

So, if you're talking about the leader of the free world, who's your huckleberry.

Note:  unlike George Bush, ever'body loved Andy Devine.


(Ed:  is there a point to this?)

Nah.  I got up and saw a picture of the Russians flying a gold-plated Tu-58 bomber and I thought that was pretty cool.  That got me thinking ... as much as America has to pay for all these aircraft, they should be gold-plated too.  And the pilots should all wear mink.  Yah, mink.

More Musical Cave Diving with Harmonics of Tabla

The reason for continuing to flog the topic of musical harmonics is a psychoacoustic aspect to this in perceiving sound which may not physically be there.  The premise is the mind hears the second and third harmonics so strongly that it infers the existence of the fundamental note which defines them.  But that fundamental was not actually played.

Prepare for some heavy reading but it's not all that arduous.  Do expect good graphics on what harmonics look like relative to each other and this should provide good confirmation a note is not just one vibration or frequency.  (Music of India: PSYCHOACOUSTICS OF THE MUSICAL PITCH OF TABLA)


This introduces some major strangeness to music as the psychoacoustic contribution to sound is independent of vibration.  Physics is left out on the doormat with this thinking.  We probably won't go too far in pursuit of understanding audio perception but we accept the reality of something which needs to be understood.  The question is fascinating as how does the mind hear a sound which could not possibly have been real because the player muted it on the instrument and it's necessarily muted so the musician gets the desired sound ... but then your mind adds the fundamental into it anyway.

Again the interested student is invited to pursue this further and again that student is advised as to the potential for winding up dribbling on yourself.  The mind knows nothing of harmonics so how can it possibly know what the fundamental should be.  Tally ho, matey.


The mind adds information to things regularly.  We add things to what we see, what hear, etc and it's not uncommon.  Many optical illusions play on the phenomenon and there is intrigue in discovering one really can see things which are not actually there but deducing what that means may take a little longer.

A related phenomenon is eyewitnesses suck in a courtroom and the reason is they often get it wrong.  It's not simply that they forget but rather we don't see the same things, even though it is the shared objective reality.  It's different depending on who looks.  This goes to poetry or deep philosophy, neither of which will be on the plate tonight.


The reason for raising the topic is the interest in the idea we add things to music which are not there but what really floats my balloon is when I wonder, man, what else do we add to it without realizing it.  This thought is worth a bowl by itself.  When I listen to "Supper's Ready," how much of what I hear isn't really there.

(Ed:  say, fadda.  Can God make a rock so heavy that he, himself, cannot lift it?)

It's more than Cheech and Chong to me, even though that was Carlin's bit, as it extends to how much of what I hear in my own music ... isn't really there.

(Ed:  no, you didn't take too much acid and you're not going to die but you are playing Schrödinger's Cat with music)

The cat is NOT dead!


We need to be careful with this one in the same way it's important to resist electronicalomania as that's when you get so fascinated by the musical technology that you do nothing but screw around with all the incredible combinations of things you can make.  It's easily possible to do this even for extremely-talented people and the result is nothing ever comes of it.  The matter is absolutely fascinating but it's not necessarily all that productive.  Must be careful with that.

Note:  I have not been careful with that and I must get a picture without a flash so you can see the lights on the floor in the Rockhouse.  In the dark it looks like you're flying into New York City.

Think of it as the NRA With Wings

Some whizkid has come up with an item likely to be popular with Christmas shoppers all over the country as he designed a way to mount and fire a gun from a flying drone.  Does that sound like fun for the whole family or what.

Awards for Parent of the Year abound in this one as, sure enough, ol' Dad pays for it and, even better, some college professor encouraged him to do it.  So, if you're wondering what they do for science projects these days, now you know.  (CNN:  Handgun-firing drone appears legal in video, but FAA, police probe further)


This is all part of the larger question of Is America Insane.  You may think it's obvious the country is insane when it has whackjobs mounting guns on aircraft for amusement.  However, the question comes up in trials all the time.

The trial of li'l Jimmy Holmes in Colorado asks if America is insane and there we get the proof since the ruling in the court is li'l Jimmy Holmes is sane.  (CNN:  Will mental illness save Holmes' life?)

Let's review:  li'l Jimmy Holmes dyed his hair flame red, got a collection of automatic weapons, and then killed a dozen people in a moviehouse because that would give him 'life points.'  No way that's crazy, huh?


The legal test of crazy is in asking whether the criminal knew the difference between right and wrong.  In the Standard Game, we play it that America doesn't know the difference between right and wrong so the criminals don't know the difference either.

We don't play the Standard Game because criminals are not morons.  They probably don't drown their children because they disagree with foreign policy.

The argument over right and wrong is specious as the criminal is doing the right thing according to the logic he or she has invented.  Frequently, the criminal is powerless to do anything else.

Using the logic practiced in American law now, it's almost impossible to be considered crazy and hardly anyone is ever ruled criminally-insane.  This is where we get back to the Standard Game as America is insane so it's fair to say the criminal is sane because the court wouldn't know the difference anyway.

(Ed:  that logic has holes like Swiss cheese)

Maybe it's because I'm crazy.


In case you're not sure if America is insane, there is now Willie's Reserve, a strain of Willie Nelson's preferred marijuana.  Based on this news, we're sure it's good reefer ... but ... we think he is smoking too much of it.  (Rolling Stone:  Willie Nelson: Why You Should Buy My Weed)

Geez, shoot me in the head.  I'm crazy.


(He's right as it's the best reefer brand name in the country.  Everybody wants to get high on Willie's weed ... except Toby Keith.)

Questions Needing to Be Answered - Updated w/More Answers

Did Frank Zappa ever watch "Gilligan's Island"

A1:  Hell yes
A2:  Of course


Does Angela Merkel ever get laid

A1:  No
A2:  If Kissinger can get laid because "power is an aphrodisiac," Merkel can, too.


Why hasn't anyone chucked Donald Trump into a jet motor

A1:  His hair would screw up the blades in the turbine
A2:  Every intelligent person has motive, but very, very few have opportunity.


Who got the idea clams are something humans should eat

**:  No answer as yet.  It remains one of the world's great unsolved mysteries.


Is it a state problem if marijuana-eating rabbits start eating a legal crop in Colorado

A1:  Only for Kansas
A2:  No, it's the growers' problem to deal with, and they'd best do it humanely, if they know what's good for them.


Why do women read the bullshit that's in tabloid newspapers

A1:  They think it's educational
A2:  Because they're the ones who usually do the grocery shopping, so they see the display at checkout.


Does Jeremy Kyle have human parents

A1:  Who the hell is Jeremy Kyle (i.e. request for clarification)

TV wanker with a humiliation show

A2:  Never heard of the wanker 'til just now.


Am I the only one who thinks it's fucked-up to pick on Rachel Dolezal

A1:  Yes


Why do people get paid so much to play golf

A1:  Because no-one else wants to do it
A2:  People bet on sports, including golf.


Why does it make people sneeze when they look at the sun

A1:  It's the body's self-defense mechanism.  Eyes close when sneezing, therefore it keeps idiots from going blind from staring at the sun.

Being Beautiful ... in a Manly Way

This is a bit of a challenge as, sure, I want to be beautiful ... but I don't want anyone thinking I'm a faaaagggggg.  Really I don't care about that except it amuses me but I do want to be beautiful.   I like it when my music makes girls cry and sometimes it does.  Sometimes it makes me cry.  Maybe they know that.

(Ed:  you sound like a faaaaggggg)

Got news for you, Calhoun.  Gay guys aren't that gay anymore.

(Ed:  even gay guys don't sound like faaaaagggggs?)

Nope.  They were just doing it to screw with us and guess what ... it worked.

(Ed:  it worked?  They had to beg to get married.)

Yah, that sucked but I remember when punks would talk about 'rolling fags' to get some pocket money.  Things have changed massively and, in an epiphany that makes age more interesting, I realize now the punks probably did more rolling than they did punching when they went off to 'roll fags.'


After playing with "There Will Come a Time" for a while, I was tired as serious loud will wear you right out, particularly in a small area.  I don't care if you're a young and virile stallion, noise will still wear you out.  I didn't want to stop so I switched to a clean sound and played some sweet chords into the looper.

That turned intricate and I knew while I was doing it that Yevette doesn't mind as the sweet and gentle stuff is her favorite so I wasn't really thinking about anything except what makes this happen.  It really does get so pretty that I get tears in my eyes and it's because ... I don't know what makes it happen.  While I play, sometimes the Inquisitor will ask what logic I use to play this note after that one but there isn't any conscious awareness of what does it.

The only concrete memory is sometimes the thought came it sounded like a music box.  Trying to put anything more into words is like trying to describe an acid trip.  Many have tried.  If you've ever seen a 60's 'acid' movie, you know it's best if you don't.  The acid is ok but making a movie about it is not such a good idea ... or best not to do it while you're still trippin'.


(Ed:  the Inquisitor is your father?)

Yep but he wouldn't like it if I called him that.  Really it's the beast in my head which makes me analyze things.  It's like the monster in "Aliens" and eventually it will chew it's way out.  Get pics.

He did the same thing to himself with his paintings.  Unknown who has "Flowers for Anne" but that one tells it exactly as the style is flagrantly van Gogh whereas he most often painted in a scientific, analytical way with gradations of color, etc.  That's the same monster chewing his head.

The painting also tells me with absolute certainty of his feeling for my ol' Mother as he painted a great many things and some of them were exceptional but that one exploded.  It was the most passionate piece of work he ever did and all without 'thinking' a thing but rather 'feeling' it and letting it happen.  When he goes with the latter he turns into Vincent.


So this music happens and I don't know how it works either other than doing it over and over for forty years or so.

(Ed:  thanks, teach.  That helps a lot.)

Hey, wax on, wax off.  You want a shiny car or what.


(Ed:  recorded?)

Nope.  I have an excuse as my purpose was to work with "There Will Come a Time" and I did that but getting the mix right is complicated and I'm not satisfied it's there yet.  After I hit the wear out point, I switched to the softer sound and starting cameras, etc just wouldn't fit in the program after the first part.

This one can come back again as I've done variations on it for years.  The chords are simple but it's extraordinary how intricate that can get.

So that makes a plan.  Yevette sleeps like a vampire and she will be back to the coffin any time now.  I'll try to get a decent recording of this makes-you-cry bit and then upload it.  After that we have a basis for saying something about it but right now it's vapor.  So ... a plan.

(Ed:  a plan is executive vapor)

Yes.

Politics or Harmonics - How Do I Decide

There are unwavering laws of physics which govern the behavior of harmonics.  There are no laws whatsoever governing politics so I'll be going with the harmonics on this one.

(Ed:  why?)

Because we hear things all the time ... but mostly we have no idea how that happens.


Harmonics are the consequence of vibration as a guitar string vibrates in multiple frequencies at the same time with each frequency having consequences for the other frequencies.  That's the physics of it but that depth isn't necessary as it's really not important for this discussion to understand how sine waves do what they do ... just that they do.

(Ed:  sine wave?)

The frequency is the number for any given sound and the sine wave is the image of what it looks like.  A frequency and a sine wave are different representations of the same thing.


(Ed:  what does it matter?)

This is the difference between analog instruments and synthesizers and it's an important thing as every other instrument produces sound through vibration and thus each sound is comprised of the fundamental note plus its harmonics.  However, a synthesizer creates a sound through whatever devious electronical trickery it uses but nothing is physically vibrating and thus the note is the fundamental wave but there are no harmonics because there is no vibration to create them.

Note:  this may fall short of a full understanding of audio perception in humans but we're not going for a Nobel Prize, we only want to know what we're hearing.  This note is only because sine waves traveling through air will affect each other.  The interested student is welcome to pursue this but do anticipate dribbling on yourself if you get deep into it.


"Switched-on Bach" by Walter Carlos was one of the earliest synthesizer compositions and it featured Moog instruments.  These were fascinating and the sound is still interesting but it's as dry as having unbuttered toast in the Sahara.  That's because of the purity of the tones as in every sound being a discrete sine wave, unaffected by any others.

Note:  I have no idea if it's the preference of Wendy Carlos to think of that time as before she became a woman.  It's not that I have any interest in being politically correct but rather the language can't handle that kind of a change because humans never did it before.  What I do know is Wendy was Walter when she recorded it but she is Wendy now.  How that works out for grammar, etc I have no idea.


The way they make synthesized sound interesting is through the use of 'oscillators' and this is an electronical way to induce a synthesized vibration as an oscillation is just another word for the same thing.  The purpose is to introduce sine waves other than the sine wave of the fundamental as the resolution of these waves is what makes the color of sound.

Maybe you would like to think of it as dropping a big rock into a pool of water.  You can see the waves which come from it.  If you now chuck some smaller rocks into the same pool of water, they will make ripples as well and you can watch the combination of the big ripples and the little ones as the water fades back to smoothness.  This is much the same effect as the way sound works.


(Ed:  what good is any of this?)

Right now lefty Unplugged is working on bringing his chops for playing a violin up to where he is with a guitar and that's a long march.  It's much easier to get a cool sound out of a guitar faster than a violin and maybe you know the agony of listening to someone learn a violin.  The reason is precisely because of the harmonics.

In playing a violin, everything vibrates.  There's the natural vibration of the string and the harmonic series which comes but the violin goes beyond as the bow is vibrating as well and thus it contributes its own harmonic series.  As you have likely heard in your life, when these series are not happy with each other than no-one anywhere around that violin will be happy.

Note:  all of that vibration is dependent on how well the body of the violin embraces and sustains it and that's why people spend a million dollars for a Stradivarius.


(Ed:  is this trying to show off knowledge?)

Nope.  I learn while I write.  I'm not a physicist.

(Ed:  you're not much of a musician either)

Well, someone had to say it.

(Ed:  so you're sitting in your cage down there and you decide you have to know how a harmonic series works?)

That's exactly what happened.  If I can't explain it to someone else then I didn't really understand it so hopefully this material has imparted something to you as it did for me.  It doesn't change what I play or how I play but it does give more insight into what comes from it.