After the resounding incompetence in Arkansas where they can't even whack people without making a mess of it, Utah is going for America's second-favorite form of execution: shoot the bastards.
Ed: what's America's favorite execution?
Oh, the hanging, by far, since then you can watch the bad guy jerking around on the rope for a while and sometimes it pulls his head clean off. Can you beat that for a quarter, huh?
The cool thing about shooting prisoners is anyone can do it and that's where you can get into the fun since, like Arkansas, Utah wants to whack as many prisoners as possible in a short time. However, the state is riddled with Mormons and no-one will work for them because, well, they're so racist and hateful, so they don't have much money and they're short the shooters they need.
Therefore, Utah is holding the first ever Death Penalty Lollapalooza Raffle and you can buy a chance at shooting a criminal for only one thousand dollars. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you too can feel the joy of whacking a criminal yourself.
Redneck: where am I going to find a thousand dollars?
The same way as all Rednecks; you sell meth.
HeatStreet: Utah to Use Firing Squads in Upcoming Executions
It's not too late for your chance to do this too and all for only a grand. Contact Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah for details?
Ed: do I get to shoot Hatch?
As far as I know, you do not get to shoot Senator Hatch since he is not currently on offer.
Ed: I just want to whack a politician!
That's not such a good idea in America, mate. They don't care if you whack anyone else but they go berserk when you whack politicians.
Ed: why is that true when everyone hates them?
I'm tellin' you, don't do it. If you wanna kill people in America, your best bet is whacking hookers since many times cops won't even investigate. Sometimes you can keep that going for ten or twenty years.
Ed: does that cost a grand too?
Nope, whacking hookers is free. That's why so many do it. After all, there's really not that much you can do with a gun.
Ed: what's America's favorite execution?
Oh, the hanging, by far, since then you can watch the bad guy jerking around on the rope for a while and sometimes it pulls his head clean off. Can you beat that for a quarter, huh?
The cool thing about shooting prisoners is anyone can do it and that's where you can get into the fun since, like Arkansas, Utah wants to whack as many prisoners as possible in a short time. However, the state is riddled with Mormons and no-one will work for them because, well, they're so racist and hateful, so they don't have much money and they're short the shooters they need.
Therefore, Utah is holding the first ever Death Penalty Lollapalooza Raffle and you can buy a chance at shooting a criminal for only one thousand dollars. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you too can feel the joy of whacking a criminal yourself.
Redneck: where am I going to find a thousand dollars?
The same way as all Rednecks; you sell meth.
HeatStreet: Utah to Use Firing Squads in Upcoming Executions
It's not too late for your chance to do this too and all for only a grand. Contact Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah for details?
Ed: do I get to shoot Hatch?
As far as I know, you do not get to shoot Senator Hatch since he is not currently on offer.
Ed: I just want to whack a politician!
That's not such a good idea in America, mate. They don't care if you whack anyone else but they go berserk when you whack politicians.
Ed: why is that true when everyone hates them?
I'm tellin' you, don't do it. If you wanna kill people in America, your best bet is whacking hookers since many times cops won't even investigate. Sometimes you can keep that going for ten or twenty years.
Ed: does that cost a grand too?
Nope, whacking hookers is free. That's why so many do it. After all, there's really not that much you can do with a gun.
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