Plastic 9 - The Bacteria Which Ate the World

The story about plastic-eating bacteria comes back to CNN about as often as Kardashian's gigantic backside but this time it's got the detail twist straight of a sci-fi movie.  (CNN:  New plastic-eating bacteria could help save planet)

Japanese scientists discovered the plastic-eating bacteria.

Right away .... FARK ... Godzilla is coming ... and Rodan ... and all of our massively-destructive friends.

Maybe y'all have seen some of the really bad Japanese sci-fi movies from the fifties and sixties and they were great as they would make a model of Tokyo ... and then the monster would burn and destroy everything in it.  Everything was so fake but that made them cool like an Ed Wood movie.  We would watch these after school at 4:00 pm and drink soda and eat potato chips.  That's a kid filled with the passion for a robust education.

Note:  this was the only time we could get away with that as you will at least pretend to do homework in the evening.


So we have the full sci-fi package.  The strange mutant monster created by Japanese scientist.  They say it can save the world.

Well ...

Let's get cracking on that disaster movie, huh?

Here's the magic scenario: some ace in space thinks, hmm, island of plastic in the Pacific ... let's fix that.

We just hear a gurgling sound for a while and then ... and then ...

(larfs)

But, even worse, what if it really does what it says it does and this bacteria eats up the biggest waste problem on Earth.

That sounds like it should be the total groove of hygienic goodness ... but ... but ...

after eating the biggest waste problem on Earth, what have you got?

I'll tell you what you've got:  one got one gigantic shitload of hungry ass plastic-eating mutant monster Japanese bacteria.

So then they eat yer belt ... and the buttons of yer shirt ... and most of Kim Kardashian's anatomy ... and the next thing you know humans are walking around with pants held up by stretches of rope.

(Ed:   fake boob plastic is really silicone)

Well, ok.  At least she will still float.  That's good news.

Black people will be more pissed than white people over having wild mutated plastic-eating bacteria eating their clothes because you know a black man will be stylin' when he steps out.  Even if he's an older man, he will look sharp when he steps out if he possibly can.  Call that racist if you like but you know what you wear you fuckin' slacker (larfs).

There's real envy for black skin because it makes such a fantastic contrast to really jazzy clothes.  I will step out sharply when I have the means and I like looking sharp but there's no way my pale skin can bring wild colors because it would only make me look silly.  But a black man can do this and I just stand back and think, dayum, you have got the look, man.

In fact, John Lewis, a major part of the civil rights protests, had little money but he went to a store and got a suit for three dollars because he wanted to look sharp when they arrested him.  There isn't any more style than that.  Even Mahatma Gandhi wasn't that cool!  (larfs)

In fact, I don't think white guys have really had the look since the thirties and forties as even we could look cool back then.  Black guys saw that look and thought, hmm, we can work with that and it came back as a rainbow.

Dunno about you but it's only a million times or so I've thought black skin would permit me to wear some really outrageous clothes.  Hendrix wasn't that dark but he could still get away with such incredible colors and he was so transcendental inside that color didn't even matter anymore.  He didn't even have a color or he had all of them, he was Hendrix.

So the big question is whether Hendrix could still play after the gigantic shitload of hungry ass plastic-eating mutant bacteria destroy all the plastic products in the world.

His Strat might be ok as maybe they eat the knobs but they have metal posts inside them and ...

(Ed:  what about the people??)

These bacteria don't eat people ... well, ok, so maybe they eat Taylor Swift.  What's the problem?

(Ed:  she's good!)

Relax, don't you think I've heard her.  She sings like Alvin and the Chipmunks.  I'm looking for Grace Slick and they serve me Tiny Tim.  Pfft.

Besides, can't you think of a few plastic people you wouldn't mind the bacteria eating?  Ted Cruz, how about that one.

How bad could it be.  The last thing Japanese sciencers brought you was Fukashima, right?

No problem (larfs).