Does Ted Cruz Like to Lick Pussy

Frankly, we doubt it as he doesn't strike us as a manly man.  We're not even sure he is a man.

So we acks him straight up, "So Ted, boobie, you like to lick pussy, right?"

He sez, "Oh yah, I lick pussy all the time."

So then we acks him, "Do you always do it the same way or did you listen to the Father of Pussy Licking, Sam Kinison?"

He sez, "Sam who?"


Fark, how can he say he knows anything about licking pussy if he never listened to Sam Kinison, the original inventor of the Sam Kinison pussy-licking technique.


So we sez, "Boobie, you know what they call a man who sucks at licking pussy?"

He gets all confused and acks, "What does this have to do with Planned Parenthood?"

We answers, "Ted, you slimy dodger, there's only one word for a man who sucks at licking pussy:  cuckold."

He gets all pissed and sez, "You sayin' my wife cheats on me?"

We answer, "She takes her pussy where it gets licked right as in somewhere other than you."


So then he gets worried and sez, "OK, how can I be a master pussy licker and keep my wife even though she thinks I'm as much of a skank as anyone else but she likes the money?"

So we sez, "Tellin' you, Ted.  This is important.  You have been trying to imitate the Republican Party for so long you missed the important lessons."

He gets all defensive and sez, "I talk about bombing stuff and wasting Iran.  It's important."

We sez, "Bullshit.  You just copied that shit like some asshole doing a cover song ... badly.  And it's not even a good song."

So then he sez, "OK, tell me.  I need to keep my wife as she makes a good beard when I give speeches."

We acks, "Why should you need a beard?"

He sez, "You see one on me?  I was once a woman."

We acks, "Then you should know everything there is to know about licking a woman's pussy since the biggest problem is women won't tell you shit if you do it wrong."

He sez, "So, yah.  Tell me then."

We acks, "You know the alphabet, right?  You're Tea Party so we need to ask."

He sez, "Sure I do.  It goes A-X-Q-R ..."

We sez, "Good enough.  So the next time you're licking pussy, assuming you can still remember this lesson, you teach that alphabet to your woman.  Think it through with me, first you slowly lick an AAAAAAA and then a BBBBBBB and then a CCCCCCC.  She will be holding your head like she never wants you to stop.  Why?  Because she doesn't."

He sez, "Wow, I never thought of that."

We sez, "Frankly, Ted, that doesn't surprise us.  There's one thing we do know.  If you ever lick pussy again, you will definitely be thinking about yer ABC's."


This theft is not verbatim but it's adapted from one of Sam Kinison's best themes.  We love you, Sam.