The Great Once-in-a-Lifetime Silas Scarborough Tooth Auction

So Cadillac Man and I were talkin' and he sez, hey, I saw yer teeth on yer desk and I had an idea.  I thought sell them.

So I thought, hmm, this is strange, really damn strange.  Put those rollin' molars on eBay and spin that wheel.  No question, this is deranged.

So I sez to Cadillac Man, that ain't such a bad idea, old friend.  It's got the funny as people see this and think, fark, how will I ever be satisfied again just getting toast with images of Jesus.


But that's only part of the story.  The first consideration in doing this is finding the rollin' molars.  Today's exercise was to recognize the rollin' molars need to roll somewhere else and they are no longer actually a part of my distinct corpus.  My indistinct corpus includes my parts which are scattered about the country.

My left shoulder is in Cincinnati.  However, I am not in Cincinnati.  Some more my parts are in Rhode Island.  There's even some stuff in Australia ... and Greece, too, for that matter.  It appears very much I will not die from smoking cigarettes but rather I am being slowly dismembered.


This morning was the hallowed Rite of Disassociation in which part of my distinct corpus becomes part of my indistinct corpus, all of which is an excessively wordy way of letting you know I chucked the little fuckers in the waste basket, the same waste basket I've been using for some while to empty the ashtray.

Since I had committed to this sordid endeavor, there was only one move and that was to extricate the rollin' molars from what was close to a full waste basket which contained innumerable cigarette butts and all the glorious ashes they bestowed.  The now vital rollin' molars were in there somewhere.

The pursuit of the rollin' molars turned out to be perfectly executed as one of the rollin' molars was found relatively quickly, although not quickly enough to prevent one utterance of Damn you Cadillac Man for this Bloody Ridiculous Idea.  But I persevered and cleverly managed to evade finding the other one until almost everything else had been removed from the basket and my hands were filthy with ashes.


So, now onward to the Pitch of the Peripherals, the Measure of the Molars, the Sum of my Externality.

(Ed:  what is the sum of your externality?)

No idea.  It just sounded cool.  That will work out great in an encounter group.


There comes the practical eminence of the task as it is necessary to produce a photograph of the model molars.  It has to be as sexy as a close-up of Kim Kardashian's backside, assuming you do, in some unnatural way, find it sexy.

Then there needs to be a suitably enticing packaging for these models of wayward molars, authentic Silas Scarborough replacement molars which done busted off and which, at time of original placement, cost approximately $1500.

(Ed:  for both?)

That's one-up, my good man.


For advertising copy, it's probably better to go with more than the obvious although it's tempting:

I'm fucked.  I'm not kidding, I mean I'm really fucked.   It's going to take at least five grand to fix this and probably closer to ten.  There are six more but they're too bashful for public so they skipped this step and went straight to disintegration.

Straight up.  Defines the situation.  Precise.


It's a devious plan, however, as the eBay auction placing can provide links back to the blog and thus drive hits here.

(Ed:  how does that make any money?)

I didn't say it was a good devious plan.


This is the most demented idea yet but it does have one major recommendation.  I can't really say I've tried everything if I don't.

Damn you, Cadillac Man!  (laughing)