What To Do When Your Penis Explodes

Earlier today someone threw out a Twitticism regarding the frequency of masturbation in people so, naturally, I had to share my lament and my warning.

@itswisepost @illesttae my penis exploded from masturbation and now it works like a lawn sprinkler when I try to take a leak.

I received this response:

illest tae ‏@illesttae 13h13 hours ago  illest tae Retweeted Silas Scarborough

ima delete my twitter because i don't know how to fix this

Naturally, I sought to reassure this person.

@illesttae I'll start a GoFundMe to raise money for a transplant from a dead guy

There you have it, my salvation is in transplantation and I'll get a fuckin' big one this time.

(Ed:  big like Donald Trump?)

I mean big like fuckin' Godzilla.

(Ed:  what the hell you do with it?  If that thing ever goes off it will drown Manhattan!)

You've been to Manhattan.  They'll be smiling while they drown because I AM GODZILLA!

(Ed:  how about you lighten up just a little bit?)

I'm light.  In fact, I'm light like the fairy which flies around at night to whisper in the ears of little boys, "You are probably gay.  Worry about that ... a lot."

(Ed:  you did that?)

Nope, when I was a boy I got it in my head, holy shit, I think I'm growing tits.

Look at these, they're fucking boy boobs and now I'm doomed.  But I couldn't say that to anyone because the only thing worse than having boy boobs was having someone laugh at them, my incipient yet ever so self-conscious boy boobs.

I could not say, hey, Fadduh, I think I might be growing boobs because he would likely say, "I'll give you a bloody good hiding if you go off and grow tits.  This was not in the genetic plan.  Get with it."

(Ed:  you say this isn't worrying about being gay?)

Nope, as I'm talkin' about growin' tits.  That ain't gay, that's personal boob fear insofar as I really, really don't want a set of my own or I'll just grow up like Caitlyn Jenner and then I'll fuckin' never get laid.

(Ed:  I see)

Perhaps ... but if you have not been personally possessed of the boob growth fear, perhaps it's not really possible.

There's always some kid who makes a bone in the boy's locker room at shower time, isn't there.  Back then the kid would be made for a life because Bobby Zorro is a Queer.  Maybe you kind of feel for the kid and think, Christ, kid, couldn't you have thought about translating Chinese or some shit?

(Ed:  what's that got to do with it?)

He probably doesn't know how to do it and sure as hell his tallywhacker doesn't.  Confuse the little fucker.

(Ed:  does that work?)

No idea.  Casanova I ain't.  I AM GODZILLA!

(Ed:  nice tallywhacker, Ape Man)

Thanks.  It's good to be appreciated.