Well, I always said I'd croak first! Annette gave a damn scary run at it but I think I've got her on the stretch. I keep saying she should flash her boobs at the surfers as what good is surviving if you don't get to fuck with people but so far she hasn't gone for it ... as far as I know. Of course I know she has the same blood and suggesting crazy things to any of us is not typically a good idea.
So that was the chipper intro but it's really not fake. It may seem excessive to have reefer when there's not enough to eat but I would have put a bullet in my head already otherwise. It's been hard enough through my life not to do it anyway. Lots of people don't believe this and that's fine ... I'm still breathing, albeit with some difficulty.
I have not rolled over dead but there's a price to be paid for my abuses. I don't have to like that but I do have to accept it. I will not go quietly, I'll go with every fucking knob on ten because I'm damned if I'm croaking out of this joint before I play something that doesn't suck. You all reach for God in your way and that's how I do it in mine. It's the only way I know to show respect as I don't care about a God who wants me on my knees. A scene that will get me every single time is Salieri's soliloquy in "Amadeus" as I know every note of that one. Salieri was a pussy, tho. He should have played harder.
I'm probably not croaked immediately but in a way that's a problem as I won't do oxygen tanks. At that point I'm just meat in a chair and I've spent too much time being meat in a wheelchair already. That ain't livin'. I haven't forgotten how Gordon carted me around in the back of a truck because I didn't have anything that worked and he even waited for me at the hospital. He didn't just dump me there and get on with his busy day. I don't want to put people through this again and I don't want to go through it again.
Many of you are frosted that I won't go to the state for benefits. Even with Yevette's help, the runaround in trying to get medical cover with JPS in Fort Worth was ridiculous. It's not that it needs to be so easy but it should at least be feasible. Besides, they execute people just down the road from here. I will have no truck with people who do that. I have two things left: my guitar and whatever remains of my principles. Neither will ever go to the state.
As to seeing anyone, I don't know if I can handle it and I really don't think it will do you any good to see the situation. I have no animosity toward anyone real (as opposed to politicians, etc) but I fear an emotional blowout that they say is so important on Psychology Today or whatever but I think is probably just an emotional blowout that makes your eyes sting. You're welcome to come if you like but it's worse than you think. This is real live in-your-face poverty. Because of a lot of twisted stuff in my own head I feel like I deserve that and I have a lot of trouble sorting that through.
(Deserving it has nothing to do with Bibi. She is one walking/stalking Fatal Attraction psychopath.)
P.S. The recent situation was some other illness. I thought perhaps it was stress but it wasn't as, please forgive the detail, I've been coughing up some really heavy stuff ... but ... it tapers off now so it was something different from everything else. I've been very weak so hopefully that means I get some strength back as right now playing is too hard, largely because of the weight of the guitar but there is no other guitar I would ever want to play. I still don't have an answer for why the blood pressure swings start and I do panic some behind that as you all know right up-front what stroke means.
I've written a lot on this and mostly because I don't want there to be any doubt with anyone that I do not wish to be kept alive if I'm just a lump in a bed somewhere. What anyone else does is their own business but I don't want that. In fact, that terrifies me more than dying, much more.
I hope this helps or at least gets things somewhat clear.
So that was the chipper intro but it's really not fake. It may seem excessive to have reefer when there's not enough to eat but I would have put a bullet in my head already otherwise. It's been hard enough through my life not to do it anyway. Lots of people don't believe this and that's fine ... I'm still breathing, albeit with some difficulty.
I have not rolled over dead but there's a price to be paid for my abuses. I don't have to like that but I do have to accept it. I will not go quietly, I'll go with every fucking knob on ten because I'm damned if I'm croaking out of this joint before I play something that doesn't suck. You all reach for God in your way and that's how I do it in mine. It's the only way I know to show respect as I don't care about a God who wants me on my knees. A scene that will get me every single time is Salieri's soliloquy in "Amadeus" as I know every note of that one. Salieri was a pussy, tho. He should have played harder.
I'm probably not croaked immediately but in a way that's a problem as I won't do oxygen tanks. At that point I'm just meat in a chair and I've spent too much time being meat in a wheelchair already. That ain't livin'. I haven't forgotten how Gordon carted me around in the back of a truck because I didn't have anything that worked and he even waited for me at the hospital. He didn't just dump me there and get on with his busy day. I don't want to put people through this again and I don't want to go through it again.
Many of you are frosted that I won't go to the state for benefits. Even with Yevette's help, the runaround in trying to get medical cover with JPS in Fort Worth was ridiculous. It's not that it needs to be so easy but it should at least be feasible. Besides, they execute people just down the road from here. I will have no truck with people who do that. I have two things left: my guitar and whatever remains of my principles. Neither will ever go to the state.
As to seeing anyone, I don't know if I can handle it and I really don't think it will do you any good to see the situation. I have no animosity toward anyone real (as opposed to politicians, etc) but I fear an emotional blowout that they say is so important on Psychology Today or whatever but I think is probably just an emotional blowout that makes your eyes sting. You're welcome to come if you like but it's worse than you think. This is real live in-your-face poverty. Because of a lot of twisted stuff in my own head I feel like I deserve that and I have a lot of trouble sorting that through.
(Deserving it has nothing to do with Bibi. She is one walking/stalking Fatal Attraction psychopath.)
P.S. The recent situation was some other illness. I thought perhaps it was stress but it wasn't as, please forgive the detail, I've been coughing up some really heavy stuff ... but ... it tapers off now so it was something different from everything else. I've been very weak so hopefully that means I get some strength back as right now playing is too hard, largely because of the weight of the guitar but there is no other guitar I would ever want to play. I still don't have an answer for why the blood pressure swings start and I do panic some behind that as you all know right up-front what stroke means.
I've written a lot on this and mostly because I don't want there to be any doubt with anyone that I do not wish to be kept alive if I'm just a lump in a bed somewhere. What anyone else does is their own business but I don't want that. In fact, that terrifies me more than dying, much more.
I hope this helps or at least gets things somewhat clear.
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