These are general personality types on Facebook:
Celebrities
Some of the celebrities on Facebook are real. If you like this one or that one then you can 'like' their page and learn more about them ... every few hours ... every day ... in ridiculous detail. I really don't need to know how many freckles Selena Gomez has on her left breast unless I discover this information for myself. If you want to dislike someone you may think now is pretty cool then follow them on Facebook and you'll be bored with them in no time.
We don't know what celebrities do when they are alone but we bet our fantasies are much better than the reality.
Joan of Arc
This one is on a campaign to save you from everything, whether it's GMO food or tight-fighting underwear. Typically the Joans are women and they are determined to debate these matters with anyone so long as there isn't the faintest chance they can do anything about the problem.
Joan has no more sense of humor than the average amphibian. Avoid her. If anything goes wrong in bed, you will spend all night talking about it and analyzing it.
Joan cries a lot for humanity when she is alone.
Google Geniuses
There are loads of these ones as they really don't know much of anything but they're determined to talk because, in addition to being grossly under-educated, they're incredibly argumentative. They will join any discussion and will offer periodic links from a Google search as a form of communication.
These are the similar to the people who hang around at all-night convenience stores because the cashiers are trapped and have no choice but to talk to them.
Google Geniuses drink when they are alone. Lock your liquor cabinet as they will drink the whole bottle.
Fountains of Information
Fountains have a knack for finding useless information which they present with what seems like it may be as much glee as someone finding a gold nugget in a California river. Fountains of Information are closely related to Google Geniuses but they aren't as annoying because they don't want to argue.
Fountains of Information sort their baseball card collections when they are alone.
The Sex Bomb
Most of the people on Facebook haven't had sex in twenty years but that's not true for all of them. Some are aware you can be boning like a gorilla until you die of old age if you take halfway decent care of yourself. Your task, young grasshopper, is to find them.
I'm sure you already know what the real Sex Bomb does when she is alone. The others eat.
Sad Sack
The whiners are insipid nuisances who have suffered, oh, so much. The hell of it is that (sob) almost all of it was her fault. That bitch. Now I have to catch rats to get anything to eat and SHE DID IT. Yes, she made it this way. And now she's gone.
But, damn it, I still love her.
When Sad Sacks are alone, they either injure themselves or watch Fox News.
Clairvoyants
In Facebook, Clairvoyants have seen the Promised Land ... but there's nothing in it. This isn't about religion but rather about anything. It's the Future and I've seen it, brother.
When they're alone, Clairvoyants try to think what they will have for supper.
Sickies
No matter what day of the week, Sickies will always have something else wrong with them and they will be happy to tell you all the symptoms. They never seem to have anything terminal, there's just something wrong and, oh, feel my pain. I've got a bad case of Malayan Foot Rot and pretty soon both of my feet will fall right off.
Sickies look up more diseases when they are alone.
Musicians
Whether there are more musicians on Facebook than there are bedbugs in New York City has not yet been scientifically-determined but the musicians on Facebook don't typically bite. They also don't typically work. Sometimes musicians are also Sad Sacks.
Musicians who do not practice when they are alone always become Sad Sacks.
Cruise Ship Musicians
These ones buy $2000 Martin guitars so they can strum chords on them. This way they can play covers of Pink Floyd songs for fat girls and they they can pretend they were once hippies. Most of them are in California but, fortunately, California will just be a salt flat pretty soon and the true Mecca of Western culture will then emerge: Las Vegas.
When Cruise Ship Musicians are alone they play exactly the same thing they played yesterday. They often watch reruns of sitcoms on television. They dream of going to Las Vegas.
The Blessed
These are the Facebookers who have found Jesus and want to share Him with you. They will put up billboards with aphorisms of great spiritual depth and tell stories of how Jesus visited their lives, like that time Jesus made an apple fall off a tree right next to them. These are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the online world but the big advantage of online is it's legal to murder them.
When the Blessed are alone they stare vacantly into space.
Jay Leno
Facebook has to have comedians and the Jay Lenos have decided they are the ones but, just like the real Jay Leno, they aren't funny and will likely never be funny. They know they can't be funny on their own wit so they copy things from elsewhere that they have judged to be funny. Jay Lenos never seem to be aware of just how many other Jay Lenos are online and how many damn times in a day we will see the same stupid joke.
When Jay Lenos are alone they practice telling jokes to a mirror.
Einstein
Einstein is a guy who is just so damn smart that he needs a special room in his house just for climate control for his head. He is just one major fucking genius and what really turns him on is showing you how stupid other people are.
When Einstein is alone he scares himself silly by calculating the chances of the Earth being hit by an asteroid. He has never had sex. He is even more afraid of having sex than being hit by an asteroid.
Raving Political Lunatics
There is nothing political that will fail to elicit rage from a Raving Political Lunatic. If they install a parking meter in front of Mel's Drugstore and Rodeo Bar then it's yet another example of the police state crushing the will of the people. They have highly-acute vision for when it comes to watching the other side but this just means they don't watch their side of the road and they frequently have rear-end crashes.
Raving Political Lunatics go to the park when they are alone because no-one will hang out and listen to their lectures. They often spend their time feeding pigeons.
The Entrepreneur
Entrepreneurs like to hustle get-rich-quick schemes for search engine optimization and Internet marketing. It seems it should even be obvious to a forest creature that if these people were any good at such things then they wouldn't be pissing away their days on social networks. Entrepreneurs are usually drunken washouts in Des Moines who want to help you sell refrigerators ... for a small fee.
When Entrepreneurs are alone they dream of having their very own car dealerships.
Real People
This is where Facebook gets so fucked-up as there are Real People on there. They're a very small minority but they do exist and they have created a codependent network in which there's an agreement to put up with the nong-nongs so you can see each other. This is pretty sick stuff and I confess to my part in it. This remains a difficult problem as you don't want to give up contact with Real People but the nong-nongs are such an enormous and absolutely useless timesuck. ('Nong-nong was slang in the Shanghai area for a 'stupid person')
Real People read blogs when they're alone, right? (laughs)
Perhaps to be continued ...
Celebrities
Some of the celebrities on Facebook are real. If you like this one or that one then you can 'like' their page and learn more about them ... every few hours ... every day ... in ridiculous detail. I really don't need to know how many freckles Selena Gomez has on her left breast unless I discover this information for myself. If you want to dislike someone you may think now is pretty cool then follow them on Facebook and you'll be bored with them in no time.
We don't know what celebrities do when they are alone but we bet our fantasies are much better than the reality.
Joan of Arc
This one is on a campaign to save you from everything, whether it's GMO food or tight-fighting underwear. Typically the Joans are women and they are determined to debate these matters with anyone so long as there isn't the faintest chance they can do anything about the problem.
Joan has no more sense of humor than the average amphibian. Avoid her. If anything goes wrong in bed, you will spend all night talking about it and analyzing it.
Joan cries a lot for humanity when she is alone.
Google Geniuses
There are loads of these ones as they really don't know much of anything but they're determined to talk because, in addition to being grossly under-educated, they're incredibly argumentative. They will join any discussion and will offer periodic links from a Google search as a form of communication.
These are the similar to the people who hang around at all-night convenience stores because the cashiers are trapped and have no choice but to talk to them.
Google Geniuses drink when they are alone. Lock your liquor cabinet as they will drink the whole bottle.
Fountains of Information
Fountains have a knack for finding useless information which they present with what seems like it may be as much glee as someone finding a gold nugget in a California river. Fountains of Information are closely related to Google Geniuses but they aren't as annoying because they don't want to argue.
Fountains of Information sort their baseball card collections when they are alone.
The Sex Bomb
Most of the people on Facebook haven't had sex in twenty years but that's not true for all of them. Some are aware you can be boning like a gorilla until you die of old age if you take halfway decent care of yourself. Your task, young grasshopper, is to find them.
I'm sure you already know what the real Sex Bomb does when she is alone. The others eat.
Sad Sack
The whiners are insipid nuisances who have suffered, oh, so much. The hell of it is that (sob) almost all of it was her fault. That bitch. Now I have to catch rats to get anything to eat and SHE DID IT. Yes, she made it this way. And now she's gone.
But, damn it, I still love her.
When Sad Sacks are alone, they either injure themselves or watch Fox News.
Clairvoyants
In Facebook, Clairvoyants have seen the Promised Land ... but there's nothing in it. This isn't about religion but rather about anything. It's the Future and I've seen it, brother.
When they're alone, Clairvoyants try to think what they will have for supper.
Sickies
No matter what day of the week, Sickies will always have something else wrong with them and they will be happy to tell you all the symptoms. They never seem to have anything terminal, there's just something wrong and, oh, feel my pain. I've got a bad case of Malayan Foot Rot and pretty soon both of my feet will fall right off.
Sickies look up more diseases when they are alone.
Musicians
Whether there are more musicians on Facebook than there are bedbugs in New York City has not yet been scientifically-determined but the musicians on Facebook don't typically bite. They also don't typically work. Sometimes musicians are also Sad Sacks.
Musicians who do not practice when they are alone always become Sad Sacks.
Cruise Ship Musicians
These ones buy $2000 Martin guitars so they can strum chords on them. This way they can play covers of Pink Floyd songs for fat girls and they they can pretend they were once hippies. Most of them are in California but, fortunately, California will just be a salt flat pretty soon and the true Mecca of Western culture will then emerge: Las Vegas.
When Cruise Ship Musicians are alone they play exactly the same thing they played yesterday. They often watch reruns of sitcoms on television. They dream of going to Las Vegas.
The Blessed
These are the Facebookers who have found Jesus and want to share Him with you. They will put up billboards with aphorisms of great spiritual depth and tell stories of how Jesus visited their lives, like that time Jesus made an apple fall off a tree right next to them. These are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the online world but the big advantage of online is it's legal to murder them.
When the Blessed are alone they stare vacantly into space.
Jay Leno
Facebook has to have comedians and the Jay Lenos have decided they are the ones but, just like the real Jay Leno, they aren't funny and will likely never be funny. They know they can't be funny on their own wit so they copy things from elsewhere that they have judged to be funny. Jay Lenos never seem to be aware of just how many other Jay Lenos are online and how many damn times in a day we will see the same stupid joke.
When Jay Lenos are alone they practice telling jokes to a mirror.
Einstein
Einstein is a guy who is just so damn smart that he needs a special room in his house just for climate control for his head. He is just one major fucking genius and what really turns him on is showing you how stupid other people are.
When Einstein is alone he scares himself silly by calculating the chances of the Earth being hit by an asteroid. He has never had sex. He is even more afraid of having sex than being hit by an asteroid.
Raving Political Lunatics
There is nothing political that will fail to elicit rage from a Raving Political Lunatic. If they install a parking meter in front of Mel's Drugstore and Rodeo Bar then it's yet another example of the police state crushing the will of the people. They have highly-acute vision for when it comes to watching the other side but this just means they don't watch their side of the road and they frequently have rear-end crashes.
Raving Political Lunatics go to the park when they are alone because no-one will hang out and listen to their lectures. They often spend their time feeding pigeons.
The Entrepreneur
Entrepreneurs like to hustle get-rich-quick schemes for search engine optimization and Internet marketing. It seems it should even be obvious to a forest creature that if these people were any good at such things then they wouldn't be pissing away their days on social networks. Entrepreneurs are usually drunken washouts in Des Moines who want to help you sell refrigerators ... for a small fee.
When Entrepreneurs are alone they dream of having their very own car dealerships.
Real People
This is where Facebook gets so fucked-up as there are Real People on there. They're a very small minority but they do exist and they have created a codependent network in which there's an agreement to put up with the nong-nongs so you can see each other. This is pretty sick stuff and I confess to my part in it. This remains a difficult problem as you don't want to give up contact with Real People but the nong-nongs are such an enormous and absolutely useless timesuck. ('Nong-nong was slang in the Shanghai area for a 'stupid person')
Real People read blogs when they're alone, right? (laughs)
Perhaps to be continued ...
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